


Taken

by MyStorybookEnding



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action & Romance, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Kidnapping, Love, Sad, somewhere in season 4, the episode inside my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 19:11:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13487970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyStorybookEnding/pseuds/MyStorybookEnding
Summary: She wasn't sure how long she had been out but when she came to the pain was still there, pounding in time with her rapid heartbeat. This time she was ready though, letting it flow over her as she slowly opened her eyes and took in her surroundings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been hanging around here and on Tumblr reading, and rediscovering, how much I love Voyager and Janeway/Chakotay for over a year now.  
> At a time in my life when I felt felt sick and struggled to get through work and taking care of my family, reading all the wonderful stories here have been my place to escape and just be.  
> Eventually I started writing myself, another love I rediscovered.  
> So if anyone ends up reading this; this is a thank you for all the wonderful things I have read here and on Tumblr, even if I have just been lurking and not taken part in the wonderful community itself.  
> Thank you.
> 
> Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> Beware of possible triggers: descriptions of bodily injury, dead bodies and kidnapping. Consensual sex between main characters.

_There was a flash a light, so bright that it seemed to absorb everything around it, expanding in a fraction of a second into a white wave of pure energy. Soon there was nothing else._

*

_Four weeks earlier;_

She came back to herself in fractions, one agonizing bit at a time.

The first sensation flooding her was searing hot pain burning through her pelvic and torso, exploding behind her eyes in a white heat that made her gasp for air. As she filled her lungs with oxygen her other senses began to register- the cold, unforgiving floor underneath her and seconds later the overwhelming stench that made her stomach turn and her abdomen contract painfully.  
The smell was heavy and thick, unmistakable. She had known it before and it was nauseating in its horrific certainty. It was the smell of death and decay, rotting flesh and disintegrating bodies.

_Where the hell was she?_

Groaning she rolled her head to the side, forcing her eyes open to the complete darkness surrounding her and she tried to steady her breathing, reach past the agony and the terrifying foul blackness to try and remember something, anything, that would give her a clue where she was.

It was disorienting, like moving under water in a murky pond- no direction, no light- but as she breathed as deeply as the heavy tightness in her chest would allow small bits and pieces fell into place. She had been in one of the shuttles, the image of Ensign Murphy leaning over a science console telling her that he was pulling up all the available data on the small moon they were circling flashing before her eyes. What had happened to Murphy? She tentatively reached a hand out despite the stabbing pain, searching the floor around her but she encountered nothing but a puddle of something wet she didn't dare contemplate further. Everything around her was completely silent. She was alone.  
In the space where her com badge used to be her fingers only slid past thorn fabric, sticky with drying blood.

She couldn't just lay here, she had to try and get a grip on where she was and what was happening.

Steeling herself against the agony she knew was coming she made an effort to move upwards, instantly regretting it as her world exploded in pain and her head swam, spots danced before her eyes as the world around her tilted and she slipped back into unconsciousness.

*

She wasn't sure how long she had been out but when she came to the pain was still there, pounding in time with her rapid heartbeat. This time she was ready though, letting it flow over her as she slowly opened her eyes and took in her surroundings.

It was still dark but now there was pale twin moons shining through a small ventilation grid in the ceiling, illuminating enough of the world around her to make out the horrifying shape of bodies, some stacked on each other around her in various state of decay, some laying around her in awkward angles as if waiting to be put in the pile.

The smell, oh God, the smell. No wonder that it had been so overwhelming.

 _'Calm down Kathryn_ ' she told herself, fighting the rising bile and panic as realization set in. _'Just breath. One thing at a time. It's the only way you are going to get out of here. You have to get out of here.'_

Forcing herself to remember her training and see past the monstrosity surrounding her she studied the walls. Smooth, metallic, no seams, no openings, no escape. But whoever was responsible for this horrid nightmare had to have gotten the bodies in here somehow. They had gotten _her_ in here somehow.

Her eyes traveled the length of the gray ceiling then, scanning the same metallic surface as the walls until her eyes landed on a small hatch in the shadows at the far side of the room, a rickety ladder reaching about halfway down. So there was a way out. Now she only had to figure out how to get there.

Taking much greater care this time she experimentally flexed her arms and legs, cataloging her results. Her legs were okay but something was wrong with her upper body, the tight painful pressure a dead giveaway that she had several broken ribs and the angle of her right arm telling her that it was out of is socket and probably broken in a couple of places. But it was more than that. She could hardly move her right side at all, like something had shattered into a thousand pieces and only clicked painfully against each other as she tried to move her hip. She didn't dare think about the amount of internal bleeding but there was a definite taste of blood in her mouth.

If she didn't get a move on she would soon be too weak for it to make any difference. Whoever had manged to beat her half to death and thrown her in here might be coming back. If the crew was safe, if Chakotay and Voyager was still somewhere out there looking for her, there was no way to know how long it would take them to find her.

Using her left arm she carefully reached up and prodded her face and scull, in passing registering the split lip and black eye before her fingers moved into her tangled hair and feeling the sticky, drying mess at the back of her head where her hair clip once had been. So that was why she could hardly remember anything. At least it wasn't because of some unknown drugs in her system.

Biting her lip she counted to three and using her legs, slowly pushed her body along the floor an inch or two, groaning as the pain shot through her and she wet her dry lips,waiting for the worst of it to subside.

One. Two Three. Another push. She drew a shaky breath and tried to focus on something besides her aching body. If only she could remember what had happened, everything kept going in circles no matter how she tried to grab on to something solid. She had been on a shuttle with Murphy. Why? No security detail, no yellow alerts. No sense of impending doom. It was beyond frustrating, trying to grasp at the spiderweb of images that flashed past.

They had been on a survey mission, searching for useful minerals in a small, uninhabited planet system. A short excursion, worry free and filled with the excitement of discovery. She distinctly remembered smiling at her first officer as she stepped into the shuttle, telling him in a teasing voice to keep the kids in line and supper warm for her.  
His answering smile ha made her heart skip a beat, as always.

One. Two. Three. She pushed away with her feet again and grimaced, refusing to contemplate the foul smelling wetness she dragged her herself across.

Somebody had attacked them, stunning Murphy and knocking her on her head. Who and why? Concentrating hard, more images slid into place.  
She could recall loud voices that her universal translator struggled to process but leaving her understanding enough of it to know that they were after Voyager's weapons systems and her launch codes.

She had refused to give them, she could vividly remember a large booth connecting with her solar plexus and the snap of her arm as it was yanked behind her back. Somewhere along the way she must have passed out, but she was sure, without giving out any information.

One. Two. Three. A little closer. Still, she realized, it would take her hours to drag herself around the bodies splayed on the floor, all the way over to the hatch. How much time did she have?

Had she been dropped down here awaiting another interrogation? Or had they found some other means to get what they were after? Even if they had the codes they still had to find Voyager to get at her weapons. Had Voyager been attacked?

That thought made her stomach drop. What if the rest of her crew were somewhere around here too? Locked in a metallic box just like this one ,buried somewhere on a planet which name no one would ever know, tortured or worse? Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Tom, Harry...Naomi.  
The thought was enough to propel her forward once more.

One. Two. Three. Something hard and and sharp dug into her back as she pushed her body across the floor and she cursed to herself, adding the slight pain to the whirlwind of abuse her body was processing. She would not finish like this. Not in this hellhole. Not without knowing what had happened to those she had sworn to bring home.

She was just about to dig her heals against the floor and push again despite the tightness in her chest making her eyesight blur around the edges when a loud metallic clang reverberated across the room and she froze, her heart beating loudly in her chest.

Her whole body tensing she weighed her options as she watched the hatch in the ceiling open. She had nothing to defend herself with, nowhere to hide. The sharp thing she had just cut herself on, could it be used as a weapon? _'My mind was still too foggy to think straight'_ she scolded herself as she searched around her. With the state her body was in she doubted she would be able to take another round of “questioning”. All she could hope for in that case was that she lost consciousness fast.

Her eyes registered the familiar sight of a Sims beacon at the same time as she heard Tom Paris voice drifting towards her and relief flooded through her.

“Commander, she is down here.”

*

“Shit” Tom momentarily forgot himself and put one hand over his mouth and nose as he dropped the last two feet at the bottom of the ladder, fighting his gag reflex as the overwhelming stench enveloped him.

They had seen a lot of horrible things in the last couple of years lost in the delta quadrant but this was without a doubt the worst so far. They had already had a brief look inside two of these horrible containers in their frantic search for the Captain. Just glancing down into them, confirming that the soft blinking indicating the Captain's week life signs on the tricoder came from further away had been ghastly. Stepping down into it and submerging themselves in the sights and smells of this horrible alien race's disregard for life was beyond anything he had seen either in prison or in his time fighting in the trenches.

And sprawled on the floor, beaten and bloodied in the middle of it all, lay the woman who had brought him back into some semblance of an honorable life.

“Kathryn!” Chakotay brushed past him and was at his commanding officer's side in two long strides, dropping to his knees beside her.“I'm here”.

 _'I should have found her sooner'_ was his only thought as his eyes swept over her, taking in the damage done. He was thorn between the relief of finally finding her- alive- and the all-consuming horror of seeing the state she was in. It took everything in him to push down the the anger fighting it's way to the surface, knowing he must keep a clear head. Had to get her out of here.

Feeling Chakotay's hand lightly brush across her forehead Kathryn closed her eyes, the panic she had felt when the hatch opened slowly subsiding and leaving her drained of any strength she had left. He was here. They had come for her. She wouldn't die here alone among the corpses.

“Hey, stay with me.” Chakotay's voice drifted towards her and she made an effort to open her eyes, focusing on his worried face in the flicking light of the Sim's beacons. He was right. She couldn't afford to drift of into the comforting nothingness that seemed so inviting. Not yet.

Using her one good arm she made the strenuous effort to reach for his hand, her cold fingers clumsy entwining with his warm and familiar ones. “Voyager?” her voice was raw and raspy, barely audible but he heard her, squeezing her hand lightly.

“Don't worry Kathryn. Everybody's safe. We are going to get you out of here.”

“Boss?”

Mike Ayala's voice drifted down towards them from above, urgent and filled with a tension that instantly signaled danger and Kathryn could feel Chakotay's demeanor change in an instant. “We need to get moving.”

“Tom?” Chakotay questioned in a low voice, reaching out to make sure his phaser sat right where it should at his waist. They had been lucky so far but they had fast learned not to rely too much on their own technology to keep tabs on their enemies. The same disturbance that had made it impossible to beam either in or out of here seemed to rack havoc with their tricorders.

“It's not good Commander.“ Tom Paris relayed as matter of factly as he could, even as his mind raced to calculate the Captain's various injuries and their possible complications. “If my instruments are reading it all as they should, which we can't be too sure about, she has massive internal bleeding due to a ruptured spleen and a crushed pelvis. She has multipliable fractures and a collapsed lung.”

 _'What the hell have they done?'_ Tom thought, instantly regretting his own ponderings as a multitude of possibilities came to mind. He could see in the burning hot, dark stare of the Commander that he was thinking the same thing and knowing how devoted Chakotay was to the woman at their feet Tom had never felt the weight of being Voyager's field medic as he did now.

“I don't have either time or resources to do much for her here Chakotay.” Tom pulled himself together and continued, desperately wishing that this strange disturbance had allowed for the doc to accompany them without risk of destroying his program. “Moving her is going to hurt like hell but I don't dare to try and sedate the Captain in her condition.”

“Mike?” Chakotay questioned.

“You get the Captain out and I bring up the rear. I'll catch up”

No matter which way he looked at it there was a million ways this could go wrong. If Mike stayed behind he might be captured and killed but if nobody covered their retreat and they were spotted there was a good chance they would all get shot in the back.  
Either way there was no time to debate the issue. He was the one to make the call.

“Alright.” Chakotay conceded, he could lay awake at night for years to come, second guessing himself and regretting every decision made ever since they were contacted by the Nazive and treated with the image of an unconscious Captain Janeway propped on a chair but he couldn't allow that to guide him right now.

“Kathryn.” Chakotay bent down and spoke close to her ear, carefully sliding his arms underneath her and gathering her to him, pausing at the small pained whimper that escaped her lips as he shifted her body. “We have to go.”

All she could do was nod, biting her lips to keep from crying out as Chakotay lifted her off the floor and hastily made his way towards the ladder but he could feel her tensing, mumbling a soft “sorry” against her ear.

Getting her up through the hatch was the hardest part, both Tom and Chakotay silently struggling to get her up the ladder. Despite her small frame the ladder was narrow and rickety, the hatch barely large enough for a grown man to squeeze thorough.

Mercifully she must have blacked out from the pain of her two senior officers pulling her shoulders through the opening because when she came to again the first thing she felt was a cold wind blowing around her, filling her lungs with fresh air.

The night was dark around them aside from the twin moons shining through the trees they were moving through, everything silent except for the light rustling of feet moving swiftly across the ground and Chakotay's slightly elevated breathing filling her ears.

She was still cradled in her first officer's arms, her head resting against his shoulder and her broken arm nestled between them as if he had been trying to splint it with the soft pressure of his body against hers.  
It didn't hurt though, she realized. The blinding, agonizing pain from before had been replaced by a detached numbness, almost making her want to reach out and feel that the rest of her body was still there. It was probably a bad sign but she was too exhausted to care, simply grateful to be out of the tin box.

“How much further?”

Chakotay's voice sounded strained and breathless and she wondered how long he had been running with her in his arms, how long she had been unconscious this time.

“Can't be more than two kilometers until we are out of the woods boss.” Ayala's voice sounded to the left, he too slightly breathless. “Still no sign of pursuit.”

“Well, I for one, feel just about done here. I don't get this brand of delta quadrant hospitality at all. No 'hello, how are you' before whacking you on the head, no 'excuse me' before trying to steel something. It's down right rude, is what it is.”

Kathryn couldn't help but smile- if weakly- at Tom Paris's familiar glib, sarcastic humor which, if you didn't know any better, perfectly hid his true feelings.

“How's our passenger doing?”

“ _Your Captain_ is... doing just fine... Mr. Paris” she tried her best to use her usual command tone to let her helmsman know she had heard every word of his decidedly none regulation tirade but she heard herself how short of breath and weak her voice sounded, the taste of blood strong in her mouth.

“Glad to hear it Captain.”This time his voice was sincere and utmost respectful as if there was nothing strange at all about this hellish situation.

She was certain that her weak statement hadn't managed to fool Chakotay however. They both knew that the fact that she hadn't even tried fighting him on being carried to safety the second she woke up, no matter how absurd the notion was that she would be able walk herself, was a testament to how bad off she really was.

To his credit he didn't let on though, helping her keep up appearances as if he knew that the last of her depleting energy depended on it. Every trace of worried friend and whatever else was in between what they were and what they once could have been was tucked away, in favor of precise and determent professionalism.

“We are almost past the interference Captain. Another fifteen minutes and our transporters will be able to reach us.” He paused for a moment, catching his breath before he continued his report. “We haven't been able to decipher the technology that keeps interfering with our systems and from what little we know of the Nazive we thought it best to work around it rather than fight it.”

“The Nazive?” Kathryn wet her lips, struggling to make her mouth form the words. They came out slowly, between long pauses.“What do... we know... about them... Commander?”

“Their home word is spread over three small planets around a binary star approximately one light year away from the system you and Ensign Murphy were exploring.”

Chakotay didn't want to lose his stride by talking too much but he was grateful for anything that would keep Kathryn focused and conscious enough to stay with him.

They had been trekking through the woods for over an hour with her resting limply in his arms, panic lodged firmly in the center of his chest with every step. What if she was slowly dying in his arms? Had he found her just in time to get her out but too late to save her life? Tom Paris's reassurance that according to the tricorder she was still breathing and that the cold was good because it slowed her internal bleeding doing very little to keep the fear at bay.

“We should be coming out of their interference shortly.” Ayayla informed.

“Go...on. Tell me me more....about them.” It was nothing more than a whisper, her head swimming as she struggled to fill her lungs with air, but he heard it.

Ignoring his burning lungs Chakotay continued, pushing onward behind Voyagers pilot through the woods, one foot in front of the other.“They are a technologically advances species although not on their own merit. They acquire new weapons and new technology from whoever passes by, often coercing their victims through torture and blackmail rather than openly attacking anyone.”

“Sounds like.... a.... winning concept..” Kathryn's voice trailed off, disappearing into nothingness as the world began faded away again.

Chakotay's voice calling her name, hoarse and desperate, never reached her ears, nor did Tom Paris's request for an emergency beam out.

Seconds later the away team, and their lifeless Captain, was at last enveloped by a soft blue light transporting them away.


	2. Chapter 2

“Chakotay to Tuvok. We have her. Go to warp”

He slapped his com badge the second he had placed Kathryn on the biobed and let the doctor and Tom get to work, not even pausing to take a breath before he gave the order. He felt the familiar gentle shudder of their ship accelerating even before he heard Tuvok's reply.

“Warp 8 ,Commander. There are three minor vessels in pursuit but our scanner indicate they can not travel past warp 5. They are falling behind. However I recommend maintaining red alert until we are safely beyond Nazive space.”

“Affirmative.” Chakotay replied, falling silent on the com line as he watched the doctor and Tom moving around the bio bed, swiftly passing equipment between them as they spoke in short clipped tones above the insistent beeping of various monitors.

They hardly seemed aware of him still being there, and he knew that as the one temporarily in charge he had a duty to fulfill elsewhere now that he had done his part and brought their Captain to safety. Still his body was fighting him, refusing to tare himself away. Watching her now in such unforgiving bright light- deadly pale skin in stark contrast to scrapes and bruises, drying blood and torn flesh- it was impossible not to think that perhaps this time he had failed and walking out of here would be the last time he saw her alive. Right now she seemed to be barely that.

As if suddenly remembering he was there Tom half turned towards him, forehead wrinkled in concentration but for a moment shifting his attention away from his Captain as the doctor erected an arch around the biobed, his fingers swiftly dancing over the blinking, beeping display.

“We have manged slow the bleeding somewhat...” Tom relied in a tense voice as he regarded Voyager's first officer. Every wound and bruise on the Captains body was edged in the lines on his face and Tom wished that he could give the man better news. “...but we have several hours of surgery ahead of us.”

“In other words Commander” Voyager's EMH looked up from the console to address him. “There is nothing more you can do here. You got her here just in time.”

Uncharacteristically for the doctor his demeanor soften somewhat as he watched the Commander staring at the Captain's still body, as if silently trying to tell her something before he departed. “We will contact you if anything changes.”

Giving a slight nod Chakotay turned from the biobed and slapped is combadge once more. Whatever else he was feeling right now, she was his Captain and he would do his duty until she could be there to take the reins again. He had to believe she would.

“Chakotay to Tuvok. I am on my way to the bridge to relieve you. Chakotay out.”

*

_First officers personal log stardate 51255.7_  
_We are now approximately 3 light years away from Nazive space. It has been 32 hours since the last of their ships disappeared from our sensors and I am trying my best to make peace with what has happened in the last five days._

_Traveling through the delta quadrant for almost four years we have experienced a great many things. Some good, some bad, some defying explanation. Some of the things we have seen and done have given me a renewed faith in the good in humanity and in the races we befriend on our journey, some make me doubt if there is a point to keep trying and some, like this one, makes me want to kill every last one of the bastards._

_I have experienced cruelty before, watched people and places I love be destroyed at the hands of those without mercy but what I saw of the Nazive is something I have failed to put out of my mind even for a moment._

_When I sit in the Captain's chair on the bridge, asking Harry to deploy another message buoy to warn others of the danger we walked into I see those buried cargo bays before my eyes. Every one of them filled with bodies. Bodies of men and and women who was once somebody's son or daughter, somebody's best friend, somebody's lover. Beaten and broken for nothing more than the chance to blackmail a community into giving up their technology, weapons, and knowledge._

_But I swear to the spirits that is is more than that. That a cruelty so great as what Tom, Mike and I saw down there is driven by more than ambition and lust for power. It is pure evil._

_When I lay in my bed, exhausted but unable to sleep I keep seeing the image of my Captain, my best friend, at my feet, her entire body baring the marks of the rage she had to endure for refusing to give them what they wanted._  
_Sleepless I find myself mentally checking of her injuries one by one, each and every one possibly deadly in itself. I ask myself if we made the right call when we didn't abide to their demands from the beginning._

_Starfleet does not, under any circumstances give up their technology to an alien race. That oath has never seemed so hollow as it did when Tuvok was stalling the Nazive, pretending unable to comply while Tom, Ayala and I did our best to find Kathryn._  
_Instead of giving them the weapons they wanted we searched ways to outsmart them, and all the while they were torturing Kathryn. We were gambling with her life to uphold principles written by men and women a lifetime away from us._

_Right or wrong we stuck to protocol and I know she would never hold it against me. In fact in her eyes I am sure I made the right call._  
_As I make my way to sickbay and sit beside her still form on the biobed every chance I get, that does nothing to ease my conscious though._

_The doc says that she will make a full recovery and Tom, who caught me sitting and reading by her bedside last night said the same. I am sure that having seen as much of the Nazive's work as I have he knew I needed the reassurance._

_Kathryn has been kept sedated since she came out of surgery, to allow her body a chance to heal and rest the EMH says. Tom says it is just because this way the doc won't have to put up with her nagging him when she can get out of there. I think he is right._


	3. Chapter 3

“Welcome back Captain.”

The familiar, somewhat smug, voice of Voyager's emergency medical hologram washed over her as she slowly opened her eyes and squinted in the sharp, glaring lights of sickbay. She had never been so glad to find herself laying on a bio bed. Usually that meant that something had gone horribly wrong, this time it meant that something had gone right. Somehow, despite the odds, they had gotten her back. Right now she didn't want to think about how many graces they had left on that good luck account.

Her throat was dry as sandpaper, her entire body singing with the blurry, tingling pain of newly performed bone and tissue regeneration and she tried wetting her chafed lips, croaking out a half whispered “Thank you”as the doctor proceeded to raise the bio bed into a half sitting position.

As she carefully maneuvered herself into a more comfortable position and arranged the blue hospital gown to cover as much of her bare legs as possible the doors to sickbay slid open to reveal her first officer striding into the room, his dark eyes instantly landing on her. His expression was a familiar mix of worry, relief, care and hesitation to let any of it shine through the professional facade and it made her heart sink just a little. They had been here what seemed like a hundred times before- scared of almost having lost each other, relieved to have escaped that faith once more and bound by circumstances outside themselves to not let it show in the presence of those under their command.

Thankful for the interruption Kathryn broke eye contact and accepted the glass of water the doctor held out to her, feeling the muscles in her arms protesting at being used again and making her wonder just how long she had been sedated this time.

As always Chakotay reined himself in despite the warmth flooding him at seeing her awake, with every step molding his face into the image of the perfect, dutiful first officer so that when he finally stood beside her at the bio bed he was able to meet her eyes with nothing but friendly concern and appropriate respect for his commanding officer reflecting back at her.

“Report Commander.”

“We are currently traveling at warp three, all systems functional, all crew accounted for and nothing but calm space ahead.” he told her swiftly and with efficiency but was unable to hide the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he continued, his voice softening a fraction. “ Everybody has been on their best behavior, gone to bed on time, eaten their vegetables and stayed out of the brig.”

“What more can a Captain ask for?” Kathryn replied with mock seriousness, grateful that Chakotay, as always, was able to strike the the perfectly balanced note somewhere between command and friendly banter. “So doctor, what's the verdict? Will I live?”

She knew the second she uttered the words that no matter how straight forward she had meant it, it sounded flippant. It was entirely the wrong thing to say and joke about and Chakotay's jaw tensed noticeably as the doctor gave her a look of open contempt and exasperation at her careless words. They were a though crowd it seemed.

“Indeed you will Captain. Although Mr Paris and I spent seven hours in surgery upon your arrival. If you had gotten here just fifteen minutes later I am not sure I would have been able to repair the damage.”

Her shackles rising at the doctors condescending tone Kathryn raised her chin defiantly as if challenging him to continue, which being the doctor of course he did.

“When you arrived in sickbay you were bleeding out and rapidly going into circulatory arrest. You had a ruptured spleen, a shattered pelvis, several broken ribs that as a result led to a collapsed lung, a serious concussion along with a long list of broken bones, hairline fractures and cuts and bruises. It will be another novel to add to your medical file Captain, but no doubt the last.”

Kathryn could feel the color rising on her cheeks instantly, both in anger at the undignified lecture and in embarrassment at her own thoughtlessness and she didn't risk a glance in her first officers direction. He had no doubt been an unwilling witness to most of what the doctor was describing and from the images now flooding her mind of the hours she had spent down on the planet the doctor was in no way exaggerating. As a matter of fact his efficient way of listing her various injuries filled her mind with a sea of unwelcome recollections that made her stomach turn and the color drain from her face just as fast as it had come.

“As always doctor, I am most grateful for your services.” Kathryn squared her shoulders and manged to find her command voice, swiftly putting an end to any further elaboration the doctor might have. “Am I ready to be released?”

“Most certainly not Captain!” the doctor spurted indignantly, his eyes growing wide at the absurdity of the suggestion.”My recommendation is for you to remain here, at bed rest, for a few days at least.”

Chakotay had remained quite throughout the doctors lecture, at first feeling somewhat annoyed himself at Kathryn's glib comment but he had seen her grow paler and paler as the doctor went on and now she was white as a sheet. He knew her well enough to understand that weather the doctor had intended to or not he had struck a nerve and all the things Kathryn's careless comment had concealed was now hitting her full force.

“That is not acceptable doctor.” The anger and indignation was back now at the prospect of being confined to sickbay for days on end, gratefully pushing away the rising fear and nausea of her recent experience.

Chakotay could practically see the doctor bracing himself to tare into another monologue, standing up to his full hight and blowing out his chest as if he didn't know better and expected that to have any sort of impact on their Captain.

“Doctor, if I could make a suggestion...” Chakotay interjected in an even voice, hoping that Kathryn wouldn't mind him fighting this battle for her but seeing no way out of it since the doctor's pride was at stake here. Since the EMH technically had the ability to declare her unfit for duty unless she complied she may very well be forced to follow his recommendation and stay in sickbay unless he manged to deflate the situation, and the doctors ego.

Having Kathryn stay in sickbay was, for once, something Chakotay felt compelled to do anything to prevent. He knew her. Kathryn was a very private person and forcing her to keep a perfect, stoic command facade on at all hours in sickbay where people came and went as needed would be down right cruel. He could practically sense her need to find some privacy and lick her wounds in solitude radiating of off her and right now he thought that much more vital to her recovery than anything else.  
If feeling forced to- which she no doubt would having to play the almighty Captain for everyone waltzing in and out of here- she would bury what she had lived through so deep that it would never surface again. No matter how hard he would try to get her to talk about it, it would be locked away behind that duranium shield of hers and it would only serve to make her a little more jaded, a little more isolated and a little less human until all he would be left with was a pale shadow of the woman he once knew.

“I am listening Commander.” the doctor replied dryly, indicating that he much rather do anything but. Chakotay refused to let that faze him though and put on his best diplomatic face and tone of voice.

“I am sure the Captain is fully aware of the importance of rest at the moment and appreciates your concern and professional advise doctor. But surely, if monitored by you on regular intervals, the Captain could rest just as well in her own quarters. If she had someone to look after her.”

The EMH remained quit, as did Kathryn who was feigning interest in her water glass, and taking that as encouragement Chakotay forged on.

“I am willing to take full responsibility for making sure that she rests and eats, which after all is what you would have to do here as well.”

The implication was clear. The doctor would have his hands full trying to enforce the rest and nourishment his Captain needed. They all knew how infuriatingly stubborn Kathryn Janeway could be when thinking she was being maneuvered, and how little patients the doctor had for such inconveniences. She would drive him stir crazy in no time at all and the doctor would be stuck with her anyways, since he had been the one to order her to stay put.

What he really needed was a good excuse to release her without seeming to go back on his recommendation.

“I would of course monitor her condition closely and report to you regularly.”

The last deference to the doctors superior knowledge seemed to do the trick.

“Very well Commander.” the doctor sighed after a moment. “But I expect you to follow my instructions to the letter. I will prescribe a couple of doses of pain relief but I must ask you to use them cautiously. Pain is the body's way of making sure you take it easy and I will not have the Captain hurting herself further because she doesn't feel the need to pace herself.”

Kathryn wanted to roll her eyes at the doctor for his childish need to always get the last word, as if a little pain had ever stopped her from doing what she damn well pleased.  
As she slowly slid her legs across the biobed to stand she was was forced to reconsider, gasping at the burning sensation spreading up her legs and the doctor raised a brow at her knowingly.

“Thank you doctor, I will keep that in mind.” Chakotay assured, accepting the hypospray the doctor held out for him swiftly before the woman he had just accepted responsibility for injured herself further before they had even left sickbay.

Before Kathryn found her equilibrium enough to try again she felt Chakotay's arms closing around her waist and supporting her wobbly frame as she slid of the biobed, his soft baritone voice demanding a site to site transport to the Captains quarters.

*

“Easy.” Chakotay kept a gentle but firm hold on Kathryn's middle as he led her the short few steps towards her couch, pretending not to take note of how heavily she leaned on him , her small frame sagging against him with every movement. “Here. Sit.”

She said nothing of his quiet instructions, simply let out a breath of relief as she slid down onto the soft cushions of her well worn, gray sofa. She was aching all of over and her limbs felt like led but it was a balm to the soul to be in her own quarters, the familiar hum of Voyager at warp around her, the softened by use starfleet issue rug under her bare feet and the gentleness of half illumination instead of harsh, unforgiving sickbay light.

Her eyes followed her first officer as he placed the hypospray on the table. Silently he reached around her, wrapping the blanket she usually had thrown across the back of the sofa around her shoulders just as she was realizing that she was shivering in her thin medical gown, a small smile of sympathy and support gracing his lips as he knelt before her. His face was open and warm but she could see in his eyes that he was guarded, waiting her in. Even now in the privacy of the Captain's quarters he was mindful of her need for privacy and he wouldn't overstep her boundaries in the name of duty or anything else, until she dictated otherwise.

“Thank you for getting me out of there.” It was an recognition of much more than his assistance to get her out of sickbay, or even the lengths she knew he had gone to to get her out of the latest hell hole fate had seen it fit to thrown her in. It was her way of letting him in just a little, of accepting his care and concern for her right now. She was sure she looked like she needed it.

“You are welcome.” Chakotay said softly as he reached out to squeeze her hand in response. “You need to eat something.”

The thought didn't appeal to her and her face must have shown as much because he stroked his thumb lightly across the back of her hand to get her attention, his voice firm but warm like he was taking to a willful child. “Just a little something. I'll replicate you some soup.”

Without waiting for her protests he rose and walked over to her replicator, ordering a cup of tea and one small bowl of creamy corn soup, a dish he knew was on her list of comfort foods and often ordered on nights spent on her sofa going over damage reports after one encounter or another with the delta quadrant's finest.

Placing the food before her on the coffee table he regarded her for a moment. She wouldn't eat with him hanging over her shoulder counting every spoonful, he had learned that much about her over the years and if he was going to spend the night on her couch there were a few things he might need from his quarters. He wanted a word with Tuvok to give him an update on the situation as well as do a quick revision of the duty roaster to keep the bridge staffed while he was here. He was sure that Harry would be grateful for the opportunity.

“There are some things I need to take care of, if you are okay here.” He moved to trigger the door, but hesitated for a moment, watching her gingerly reaching for the bowl of soup and placing it in her lap.

“Of course, take your time.”

“I'll be back soon.”

She nodded her agreement, taking a small sip of the soup as if to wordlessly show him that she would be just fine. She wasn't quite sure she had convinced him but with one last glance in her direction he turned to leave none the less.

Swallowing down the thick, creamy soup she watched the door slide shut, feeling her stomach turn slightly at the unfamiliar sensation of real food. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten anything but she knew from past experience that the only way to get past the discomfort was to force some of it down.

The solitude and calm around her felt unsettling and her fingers were itching to slap her come badge and ask Tuvok for a statues report but she manged to fight the temptation, imagining the doctors lecture if he found out that the first things she did was disobeying his orders and busied herself with taking a few small sips of soup instead. Her ship was in capable hands and hard as it was she would have to leave it at that for the time being. It is damn difficult though, she thought with a grimace as she gave up the pretense of eating and sat the half empty bowl down. And this will be hell.

When it came to her own shortcomings, she had few illusions left. The Kathryn Janeway she had built herself up to be was good to have around in a crisis, thrived on it. She was fast thinking, good at prioritizing, fearless and determined. When the crisis was over she was completely useless though. With no battles to wage and no fires to put out she was left facing her own thoughts and fears and that was a battle she could never win.

She could feel it creeping up on her now like a dark, familiar shadow- the anger and the numbing pain, the regret, the despair, the fear, the worry for those she would leave behind. She had gotten to know those parts of herself all too well a long time ago in a cardassian prison but being trapped down there in that container had brought it back with a vengeance.

It didn't matter that she was sitting safe and sound in her own quarters, she could still sense the cold and the pain, feel the dirt and blood coating her body, smell the decay that made the air too heavy and foul to breath.

“Kathryn?”

Snapping back to reality her eyes widened as she realized Chakotay was standing in front of her, still in uniform pants and undershirt but without his jacket, a deep frown on his face and a starfleet issue duffel bag in hand. She hadn't even heard him come in.

“I rang the chime but there was no answer. I let myself in.”

“I'm sorry. I must have zoomed out for a moment.”

It was a half truth and he knew it but half the effort to winning a war was to know which battles to fight - especially when it came to his Captain - so he said nothing of it, putting his duffel down and taking the half full bowl of soup over to the recycler.

“Perhaps you should get some rest. You look exhausted.” That was a half truth too, she looked more than exhausted. She looked she was somewhere else completely, somewhere dark and unpleasant. He knew just the place and he could only imagine what was going through her mind. “You want me to turn down the bed for you?”

“No” she shock her head, for the first time since she registered his presence seeming to actually see him and focusing on him.

Kathryn breathed deeply, making a conscious effort to shake herself out of the mental cage she had trapped herself in and concentrate on Chakotay who was once again kneeling before her. The mere thought of getting into bed with her treacherous mind as sole company in the darkness terrified her.

Kind eyes were searching hers for some clue what he could do to help and she anchored herself to his gaze, struggling to find the words that would somehow let him in, let him grab onto her and bring her into the here and now- away from the smells and the pain and the images.

“I think I want to wash.” she started hesitantly, unable to find the strength and certainty in her voice that was so much a part of her. “I need to get clean. I can still smell...that place”

“Okay. Let's do that.” He seemed unsurprised by her request and instantly complied even though the request must have seemed to come out of thin air, his voice soft and his touch light but certain as he helped her to her feet.

Maneuvering them into her bedroom and further into the bathroom beyond Chakotay ordered the lights to half illumination and raised the temperature four degrees. She never had stopped shivering.

He helped her to sit down on the toilet seat and then started the water, tempering the fleeting feeling of awkwardness at rummaging around her personal items as he searched for something to pour into the water.

“Second to the left.”

Following her instruction he reached for the small bottle and unscrewed the cork. Raising the bottle to his nose and drawing in the scent of blackberry and jasmine he nodded and smiled. It was a scent he knew by heart, one that drifted towards him on long days on the bridge, that lingered in the air in his quarters after he had cocked her dinner and so often conjured images of her sitting across from him in a small shelter, golden hair lose around her shoulders, her hand clasped in his.

Pouring some of the foam into the water and returning the bottle to it's place on the shelf he turned towards her and was at once struck by how small and fragile she looked, so unlike the dream image that had just flashed before his eyes. It hardly seemed like the same person.

Her face was pale and her eyes haunted, her hands trembling slightly as they smoothed down the fabric of her medical gown to cover her knees and despite the fact that she had so clearly invited him in - that he knew how much she trusted him - he wondered if this was his place. Would she feel violated later for not having had the strength to maintain the air of independence and personal boundaries she guarded so fiercely?

“Kathryn?” he asked, walking over to her and once again kneeling so he was at eye level with her. “Do you want me to call for B'Elanna so she can help you?”

“No.”She looked straight at him, some of the determination seeping back into her blue eyes. “I want you to help me.”

“Unless you rather..” she began uncertainly, realization dawning on her that this might not be about not making her uncomfortable but the idea being uncomfortable to him. She was his captain after all and she tried her damnedest to always remind them of that fact. Asking him to help her wash wasn't exactly respecting his boundaries on the issue.

“No.” He simply deflected the question hanging in the air between them and determinedly, but with the utmost care, reaching out to tug at the velcro fastening in the seem at the back of her medical gown.

Keeping his eyes firmly on her face, even managing a small smile in reassurance despite the thought that flitted across his mind that this was not how he had imagined he would one day be lucky enough to undress her, he pulled the gown down her shoulders.  
Letting it pool around her waist without as much as a glance he swiftly wrapped her in a large, standard gray starfleet issue bath towel that if possible made her seem even smaller and paler, her lips a tight line as she tried to smile in thanks.

“Hang on” he murmured and turned to so switch of the water before helping her to her feet and holding her steady as she, in unspoken agreement, gingerly made the effort to pull off her underwear by herself.

Circling her waist Chakotay kept a firm hold on her as he helped her the few steps to the bathtub, nodding in affirmative that he got her as she stepped into the tub, winching slightly and digging her nails into his shoulder as she tried to find her balance.

“Sorry” she excused herself when she saw the face he made but he simply shock his head, keeping his eyes on her until she seemed steady on her feat, and then casting his eyes away as much as he dared as he slid the towel from her body and helped her lower herself into the water in one fluid motion.

Kathryn drew in a sharp breath, hissing as the warm water engulfed her all at once, making her newly generated skin tingle and burn at the contact. Unlike everything else her body had been put through in the last few days it felt wonderful though, soothing her cramping muscles and warming parts of her insides that had still felt as cold as ice.

“Good?” Chakotay asked, unable to keep from smiling at the sight of her face softening in contentment as she slid deeper beneath the bubbles, eyes closed and head tilted backward against the side of the tub.

The small hum and crocked smile she gave him in response was the most he had seen of the Kathryn he knew since she awoke in sickbay and he allowed himself to relax just a little where he stood waiting to be dismissed or of further use, daring to think the thought that perhaps it would all be okay. She would be okay.

“Take a seat Commander, this may be a while.”

“Alright” he chuckled and sat down crossed legged on the tiled floor, more than willing to obliged her if she allowed him to stay. He wasn't entirely comfortable with the thought of standing just outside the door, listening for any noise that would assure him that she was alright and hadn't drifted to sleep in the tub.

Keeping her eyes closes and savoring the familiar floral scent that chased away the smell of death she had imagined lingering on her skin Kathryn could sense Chakotay's eyes on her, watching her. Waiting. Making sure she was okay. If she had ever, even for a fleeting moment when they first met, had any doubt that his one and only objective was to keep her, and Voyager safe she had long since abandoned such an absurdity.

“So...” she stated after a moment with just a hint of command in here tone but softened by the warmth of her voice . “Are you going to tell me how you found me?” My recollections of it are somewhat hazy.”

Sighing deeply Chakotay squared his shoulders. He had known she wouldn't be able to let it be for very long. Not even the length of a bath.

“Shortly after we had recovered the shuttle, with an unconscious Murphy inside, we were contacted by the Nazive. They graciously informed us, with visual proof, that they had taken our Captain prisoner and would return her, more or less intact, in exchange for our weapons technology. The command codes needed to make the technology useful to them you had apparently already willingly provided. ” Chakotay started, deciding it was entirely unnecessary to explain to her the chill that had run down his spine at that information, and the image of her unconscious body, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that she would never willingly do such a thing. Not to mention the malicious grin on the gray faired humanoids face as he spoke the words. It had frozen his insides in a heartbeat.

“We bought none of it of course but there was no getting past their sensor shields to investigate further. In our favor though, as with every other piece technology the Nazive owned, they had very little understanding of it, just harvested what they could and used it as long as it worked. So we decided to take a chance. I ordered Tuvok to stall the negotiations for as long as possible while I beamed down with an away team to the outer perimeter of their shielded compound, masking our transfer patterns in the planet's recurring iron storms. Our sensors picked up a faint biosignature that kept disappearing and skipping from place to place but it was the best we had, so we followed it. And we found you.”

Opening her eyes Kathryn watched him for a moment, knowing full well that he was more or less reciting the official report she would no doubt read later. The tenseness in his shoulders and the way he didn't quite meet her eyes told her there were a universe of things he wasn't telling her. She had stood on Voyager's bridge with his life in her hands and an impossible decision to make enough times to know the gist of it none the less. The fear, the worry, the guilt, the paralyzing thought that perhaps she had spoken to him for the last time and all she had said was “dismissed Commander”.

_'Oh the burden of command_ ', Kathryn thought wryly as she watched his tired and drawn face. It was never easy, but out here where all they had was each other it was at times down right cruel sending someone you loved into danger again and again. _Someone you loved...._ That thought made Kathryn sit up straight in her bath, appalled that her treacherous mind had just allowed that word to slip past her inner defenses. It was something she was so careful to never allow, even if it was just to herself. Especially to herself. It was simply a matter of survival.

“I am done here” she stated abruptly, her voice cold and raspy. “I think I would like to lay down for awhile.”

“Of course” Chakotay answered, stopping himself before he added a 'captain' at the end of the sentence in automatic response to the surprisingly short and commanding tone that was usually reserved for bothersome aliens and slow learning Ensigns. What had just gotten into her? Her face offered no clues. It was a pale mask of stony indifference, her eyes firmly fixed on the wall in front of her as she allowed him to help her out of the tub.

As before, he kept his eyes respectfully on her face as he re wrapped her in the towel, a feat this time made much easier by the feeling of dread settling firmly in his chest. _'For one short moment... '_ he thought as he guided her into her bedroom and let her sit down on the edge of her bed. _'For one short moment I thought she was just letting herself be for a while and then she had to go asking about her rescue. She just couldn't leave well enough alone'_.

“Can I get you some clothes? A pajamas?” he inquired, looking around her bedroom uncertainly. It occurred to him that he had never been in here before. Right now didn't seem like the right time to ask for a scenic tour.

“First drawer to the left.” Kathryn nodded towards the closet, feeling a pang of guilt as she watched him following her direction. She hadn't missed the crestfallen look on his face at her abrupt turnabout and it made her cringe inside. He was always there for her, in every little way she would allow him to. Always respecting the parameters she dictated. Always taking what she offered but never pressing for more. Never demanding anything for himself. How long could she ask that off him? How long would he accept her punishing them both for her inability to handle her own feelings?

“Blue or...blue?” Chakotay turned towards her, holding up two almost identical pinstriped flannel nightshirts and she couldn't help the smile tugging at her lips at his bewildered look, no doubt wondering how one could possibly need two nightgowns that looked exactly the same.

“Blue to the right will be just fine” she said, her voice softer this time, hoping he would read and accept the apology concealed within. “Thank you.”

His answering smile made her shoulders relax just a fraction, some of the tension leaving her. As always, he was the gracious one, letting her foul mode slide without question or accusation.


	4. Chapter 4

Twenty minutes later she was laying tucked in her bed, a glass of water on her bedside table and a blanket thrown across the covers for extra warmth.

Having declined anything more to eat Chakotay had slipped the flannel shirt over her head to cover her still towel wrapped body without a word and pressed a pair of black cotton underwear in her hand that he had no doubt found in the draw underneath her nightgowns. He had then excused himself to go and fetch the medical tricorder to take a reading before she went to bed and the 'almighty EMH had his head for not providing prof that he had manged to keep her out of trouble'.

The simple, respectful gesture had almost made her blink back tears as she had watched his retreating back, giving her space to dress herself with as much dignity as she could and slip under the covers before he returned. He was guarding her boundaries for her, even when she was to weak to uphold them herself.

She could hear Chakotay moving around out in her living room now, the dim light from a reading lamp casting shadows across the carpet as he rummaged around out there, talking in a low voice with somebody over his com badge.  
It was comforting and a bittersweet reminder of their time spent living together on new earth at the same time. Although back then his low, soft voice had usually been humming one song or another as he was working on his carvings and sand paintings. These days there wasn't all that much to sing about.

She was exhausted, her body more than ready to sleep, heavy and unwilling to follow direction but her mind was wide awake, like a holoclip playing inside her head over and over without ever hitting pause.

Her thoughts kept drifting back to her hazy recollections of being held captive, trying to sort the images and sensations that came to her and place them in chronological order. As if that would somehow give the ordeal meaning. So much of it was just out of her reach though, her most vivid memories being from the cargo container and from the moment Chakotay had found her.

Chakotay. There was another sore tooth she kept probing while laying there waiting for sleep to prevail, despite knowing better. Despite knowing that this wasn't the time to worry about him as well. She had drawn a line in the sand when it came to him long ago. He could be her first officer, and her friend. But as long as she commanded this vessel anything else was out of the question. It was too dangerous and too selfish to allow herself to love him, allow him to love her, when they would never be free to put the other above the safety of their crew and their mission to get home.  
What they had just lived through should if anything have reinforced that belief. Except it had done the exact opposite. It had made her question ever single one of her preconceptions.

Her giving him permission to love her or not, he still did. Yet it hadn't stopped him from doing the right thing, by starfleet's directives and by their crew. There was no doubt in her mind that it had thorn him to pieces but he had not succumbed to the temptation of getting her back in exchange for what they asked for. And he hadn't gone in after her guns blazing, risking the lives of everyone on the ship.  
As for allowing herself to love him, she had come close enough to an outdrawn and painful death to know exactly what she would be regretting.

Sighing deeply Kathryn tried to turn over in bed, wincing and muffling a groan as her tired muscles protested. She was neither in the right frame of mind or body to contemplate such thoughts right now. _Leave it alone Kathryn. It is what it is_.

*

“No please... no...”

Her voice was weak, so weak she was sure they couldn't hear her. Or perhaps they didn't care.  
She tried again but there was no air in her lungs, just a painful pressure squeezing her tighter and tighter.

She hurt everywhere, strong hands holding her down as pain kept sweeping over her in suffocating waves. No matter how she tried to get away, they where there holding her down, blank, gray faces that when she blinked seemed to transform into the paralyzing familiar featured of Cardassian soldiers.

She could hear somebody calling her name from far away. Owen Paris? Her father? It was too far away too make out, lost in the sounds of her own voice screaming in terror but she tried to focus on it. The voice wanted her to stop. Stop what? Stop screaming? Stop fighting? But if she did she would die. Perhaps she would either way.

“Kathryn!”

No it wasn't her father. But it was familiar none the less. Chakotay. He sounded scared, calling her name over and over again. Oh God they had gotten him too, he was crying out for her to help him.

She fought harder, defying the blinding pain and the unyielding hands holding her down but they only pressed into her tighter. She was going to die and so was he.

“Kathryn!”Chakotay hastily abandoned his attempts to rouse her by simply calling her name, forgoing protocol and climbing into bed next to her twisting and shaking form. “Computer, lights at 20 percent.”

“Kathryn!” Her desperate cries of anguish was taring at his soul, making him reach out to grasp her shoulders gently, despite knowing that in her nigh terror it most likely would aggravate her even more. “I'm here. You´re safe. Just open your eyes.”

She came back to him in small pieces; her body trembling under his hands, her eyes moist and wild as they slowly focused on him in the dim light and her pale face marred with confusion and fear.

Her voice was nothing but a broken whisper. “Chakotay.”

“It okay. You are on Voyager. You are safe.”

He was right she realized as her heart rate slowed and and she could fill her lungs with air again, the reality of her quarters and Chakotay's solid form next to her seeping into her consciousness.

“I was back there. They were holding me down. Beating me. I couldn't breath, couldn't get free. They had you too, I could her you calling my name...” she whispered shakily through dry lips, still too disoriented and shell chocked from the dream to sensor herself the way she normally would.

“It was a dream.” Chakotay assured her in a low voice. “Just a dream.”

She seemed to believe him but her eyes were still cloudy with unease and her shoulders rigid and tense underneath his fingers. Reminding himself that he had come to her bed unbidden and she had every right to ask him to get out he leaned slightly away from her to give her some room to collect herself. “You are safe right here. And so am I.”

Her anguished face no longer filling his vision he for the first time took in the complete sight of her and what he saw broke his heart into million, razor sharp little pieces. Struggling against her imagined enemies she had manged to get tangled up in her covers, pinning herself down even more. Her legs were twisted in the blanket he had covered her with and her nightshirt had ridden up all the way to her torso, revealing the state her body was in.

From the point where her underwear covered her and all the way up her ribcage her delicate skin was a patchwork of angry red. Sections of fragile, regenerated skin mapping out in horrific detail just how bad of she had been.  
Her lower abdomen as well as her thighs were covered in various shades of blue, bruises the dermal regenerator needed a few more rounds to erase. It was too much and nothing but a pale reminder of what had almost been all at the same time.

“Oh Kathryn.”

He acted on instinct before he could stop himself, reaching a hand out to trace the large, dark crimson line across her lower ribcage.” I shouldn't have let you get taken.”

“No.” Kathryn covered his hand on her ribcage but instead of pulling his hand away she pressed into it, keeping him there and entwining their fingers resting on her skin. “ You didn't let them take me. It just happened. And you took me back.”

Her voice was low and trembling but insistent, her eyes boring into his. “You're here now. That's all I need.”

He didn't dare move, lost as to how much her words meant, just what they encompassed. Where in those words were the deep abyss between what he longed to hear and what she was offering?

Her heart was beating faster once more, but this time in anticipation. They had stood at the edge of this precipices many times before and for the first time her first instinct was to fling herself right out from it, trusting that the love and devotion he offered her time and time again would make them stronger, not weaker.

He looked lost though, as if he was sure the world would come crashing down on him at any second. She couldn't blame him. She supposed that it seemed like a split second decision but in reality it was anything but. It had been twisting and turning in her head like one of those logical games Tuvok was so fond of ever since she awoke in sickbay and saw the longing in his eyes to hold her.

“Chakotay.”

She had said his name a thousand times before, but never like that. Never so low and husky, filled with a promise that that for once seemed to mean exactly what he wanted it to and made his chest expand.

They moved towards each other in unison but she was the one to tilt her head up and close the final distance, a decision that had always been hers alone to make.

It may have been the first time their lips brushed each other but there was nothing timid or hesitant about they way their mouths pressed together and instantly opened to one another, exploring each other with fervent need. It was a landslide, sweeping them away in a blur of heat and want; tongues caressing and exploring, teeth clashing.

Kathryn untangled her hand from his on her ribcage, reaching up to anchor herself to him with both arms around his neck, pulling him down more fully against her as his mouth moved over hers. Right now nothing else mattered but the need to feel him closer, solid and real as his hand roamed her exposed skin, closer and closer to her still covered breasts as she shifted against him in encouragement.

There was no stopping the low groan slipping from his lips as she molded herself to him, her body soft and pliant but full off urgency as she silently directed him to touch more of her, feel more of her soft skin underneath his fingertips.  
Careful to keep his weight of off her his hand found its way to her breast, brushing across an erect nipple and drawing a soft whimper from her that traveled straight to his groin.  
He repeated to motion, squeezing her nipple a little harder this time and was instantly reward as she sucked his lower lip into his mouth, biting lightly.

“Spirits Kathryn...”

It wasn't enough, not nearly enough, Kathryn thought as she raked her fingernails down his still clothed back, using the firm muscles there for leverage to press herself up against him to soothe the aching need pooling between her legs. God she had never before needed anything the way she needed him right now. Grinding her hips against the hard length of him she moaned in pleasure and hissed in pain at the same time.

Even through the haze of need that was taking hold of him Chakotay recognized the difference between her deep, low sound of arousal and the surprised yelp of pain and he instantly drew back, realizing that in their urgency they had both failed to remember the state she was in.

“Kathryn..” his voice was hoarse and deep with pent up desire. “As much as I want this... sweetheart” he paused for a moment, utterly surprised at the endearment that had slipped so effortlessly from his lip without him even realizing it before it was too late. She didn't seem to take offense though, the only sign that she had heard it a small glimmer of astonishment hidden in her eyes somewhere beneath the the blatant hunger and heat radiating from their blue depths. “...you are in no shape to do this right now.”

Kathryn shock her head adamantly in disagreement, her breath ragged and her body still humming with newly awakened need. There was no going back. Not now. Her voice was a husky whisper. “Yes I am. I need you.”

She was devastatingly beautiful lying beneath him, her skin flushed, her breath hitching, and uttering the words he never thought he would hear in that low, throaty voice of hers that had fuel his fantasies more times than he cared to remember. Looking down on her he couldn't help the small smile spreading across his lips. It wasn't a difficult decision.

“Then relax, lay still and let me do this” he said softly and with that he untangled himself and rose up on his knees, gently lifting her up enough to pull the nightgown over her head before he lay her down before him, her golden hair spread out around her head.

Focusing all his attention, all his own simmering want and passion, on her he lowered his mouth to the soft skin of her clavicle. He took his time, letting his mouth and hands travel across every part of her upper body, every bruise and every slowly healing patch of skin. He reveled in every slight tremor passing through her, every gasp and sigh escaping her as he closed his mouth around a nipple, tugging lightly with his teeth.

His touch was like small jolts of electricity cursing through her everywhere he touch her. _Oh that talented mouth of his_. How could he know exactly where she needed it? Where she needed him to bite down hard on her skin and where she needed him to kiss her gently, soothing flesh that had brought nothing put pain since she woke.

When he shifted lower, gently but firmly grasping her hips to keep her from moving she held her breath and then his mouth closed around her and she cried out loud before she could even think to sensor herself. It was too much and not enough all at the same time, her tights shaking as he lapped at her, flattening his tongue against her. She wanted to move, wanted roll her hips against his mouth but he kept her still, one large hand tenderly spreading over her lower abdomen as he kept up his ministrations.

Feeling her need to let go, to let the waves come crashing down before it became too much for her straining,tired body, Chakotay slipped a finger inside of her, moving in and out in rhythm with his mouth on her. He curled his finger upward, sucking hard on her clit and she came apart beneath him, quivering and crying his name in a way that sent tremors trough his own body.

She moaned as he eventually drew away from her, slipping the nightgown back over her limp body and gathering her in his arms.

She wanted to say something, wanted him to understand what he had just done for her, what she oh so much wanted to do for him but the words refused to form. Her mind was too exhausted and her body too lax after the first orgasm she had in years that wasn't by her own hand. She could feel the evidence of his arousal pressing into her side but he seemed to know what she was thinking, shushing her and kissing her forehead.

“Sleep.” he whispered into her hair. “Another time. Computer, lights off.”


	5. Chapter 5

She awoke the next morning spooned against his chest, his slow, even breathing ruffling her hair. Having slept alone for so long it was an entirely foreign feeling and it made her heart beat faster in a way she was sure she hadn't felt since she was a cadet. And she had sleep through the night, no nightmares, no hours spent awake trying to rid her mind of unpleasant memories.

Stretching slightly and groaning at her body's protest she gingerly turned around in his arms to face him, taking in his sleeping form, still clad in undershirt and uniform pants since the night before. Even in his sleep he seemed completely attuned to her, his arms releasing her enough to twist around and then gathering her closer once more, one arm draping itself around her waist.  
She couldn't help the small smile tugging at the corner of her lips at his sigh of contentment.

He looked utterly peaceful in sleep, her angry warrior. _Her angry warrior_. Now there was a genitive she never thought she would use when it came to him.  
He was such a contradiction, this man she had found herself loving despite her best efforts to keep to protocol and common sense. She had been sent to capture a terrorist, a dangerous traitor who had turned his back on starfleet. And captured him she had but it would seem that he had captured her too, in the end.

“Good morning.”

His soft baritone brought her back to reality, sleepy eyes looking at her in gentle amusement and she felt her stomach flutter at the actuality of him in her bed, reminding her of the bridges they had crossed last night. There was nothing stopping her from leaning forward and brushing her lips with his in a good morning kiss. So she did.

He responded to her advances slowly, hesitantly, almost reverently. As if this kiss was somehow more meaningful and significant than all the heated caresses they had shared last night, and perhaps it was. No promises had been made before they had given in to their desire for one another, no declarations of love spoken. If need be last night could be explained away by nightmares, exhaustion, the trauma she she had just been through.  
This right here, in the early hours of morning, offered none of those excuses.

Fueled by that notion she deepened the kiss, trying to convey all of the emotions that still hadn't been spoken out loud. Smiling slightly against his lips at the pure joy of it she felt rather than heard his hum off approval as her mouth opened under his. The spark created by his tongue brushing against hers was something she suspected could become highly addictive and she molded her body against his solid frame, giving herself away to the the sensations completely.

It seemed like an eternity before they drew apart, both somewhat dazed by the intensity of it.

“I left you high and dry last night didn't I?” she whispered in a low voice as she felt his growing erection against her.

Chakotay stared silently at her for a moment, considering his next words and what they would be suggesting. In his heart they had already passed the point of no return, even if she would refuse him now in the light of day he was lost to her.“One day soon.... when you have given your body the time it needs to heal, eaten all your vegetables and gotten a clean bill of health from the doctor...” he locked at her pointedly at the last words and was rewarded with a small chuckle that made they next words easier to speak. “...I am all yours.”

The way he said it made her heart skip a beat, realizing what he was offering her and she placed a hand on his chest in silent acceptance, curling her fingers into the fabric.

“That's a very tempting offer. Think you can stand the wait?” Kathryn raised an eyebrow at him, feeling him still growing harder against her despite his words as her hands began to roam his undershirt, mapping out the hard muscles underneath for future study. “After all the EMH can be quite hard to impress.”

“I have a feeling it will be worth it” he replied seriously but his eyes sparkling with mischief. ”I know you, when you want something you are like a dog with a...” he trailed off drawing in a sharp breath as her hand dipped lower, tracing across his abdomen with a steady hand. “ Kathryn didn't I just say...”

“Yes you did.” Kathryn interrupted with a crocked smile, raising an eyebrow as her hand kept wandering downward, her fingernails grazing the zipper of his uniform pants teasingly. “That doesn't mean I can't be of some service to you in the meantime Commander.”

Any witty retort he might have had was lost as she cupped him through his pants and he buried his face at the crock of her neck, inhaling her scent as her hand moved over him, undoing the fastening of his pants.

It wasn't about returning the favor, or even about curiosity as to what it would take to tip him over the edge, even if she had to admit that train of thought was worth exploring.  
She simply wanted to feel him, hard with desire for her, knowing that it was because of her and only her. That she could do this to him. It was a part of her she had given up on so long ago.

His small sounds of approval hummed against her skin was tantalizing and she closed her eyes as she imagined the two of them together, her fingers closing around the length of him, stroking him slowly.  
Increasing the pace and grazing her fingers around the head with each pass it didn't take long for him to climax with a strangled groan muffled against her hair.

For moment they just lay there, listening to the other's breathing, but then he lifted his head, looking at her with wonder and gentle amusement at what she so easily had reduce him to. Somehow he had always known this about her, about them.

“Well if I didn't need to ask to use your sonic shower before I certainly do now.”

She smirked with a brow raised in pride, watching him roll away from her and giving her a lopsided smile over his shoulder as he went. “But I will be a gentleman about it and bring you a wet towel to wash up with.”

At that she laughed out loud, wishing that her body would cooperate with her enough to let her follow him. On the other hand, if they intended to honor to the parameters they had just laid down it was just as well that she couldn't.

*

She was sound asleep, curled up in her lounger under a blanket, the book she had been reading resting forgotten in her lap. She needed her rest. The physiotherapy session the doctor had put her through this morning had left her completely drained and from the look on her face as she slumped down in a chair once returned to her quarters it had been anything but pain free.

He needed to take an hour or so in his office to get a report from Tuvok and sign of on some pads but he was reluctant to leave her. Her nightmares last night, however many blissful things they had been the catalyst in unraveling, had been terrifying.  
If she was to have more of them he didn't want her to be alone, which was a ridicules notion all together, not to mention just a tad self important of him to indulge in thinking.  
She had been in enemy hands before, had endured more than one should take long before they had met. And many times thereafter. So had he. It was the nature of the lives they had chosen to lead and to fool himself into thinking that he would be her knight in shining armor, her protector against every evil in the delta quadrant, would be unfair to the both of them. More than that it wasn't who she was.  
She was one of the strongest women he had ever met, she would never use him or any other man as her crutch. But he did want to be there for her. Love her. Stand by her. Make her burdens lighter. He had told her as much once a long time ago.

“What's wrong?”

Her low voice, raspy from sleep, broke him out of his reverie.

He considered deflecting her question with a smile and a witty remark but her heavy lidded blue eyes were serious and demanding as they met his where he stood by the view-port.

“I'm worried about you.” he admitted plainly, expecting to see her eyes flare up in indignation at his presumptuousness but instead she tilted her head just a fraction, wordlessly urging him to explain.

“That nightmare you had last night... has that happened before?”

Now it was her time to hesitate, fighting both her own stubborn nature to lay herself bare and admit such a weakness and her Captain's persona who reared it's ugly head, barking out a harsh 'none of your god damn business'.  
She tampered them both down though. In this room with him she wasn't the Captain. This was about her, not the leader of Voyager. She couldn't play that card and expect him to swallow it. Not anymore.  
As for laying herself bare before him, she had already done so last night.

“Not every night, sometimes not for months.” Kathryn said after a long moment, looking past him out at the stars streaking by. “Then something happens that triggers it and it just has to run its course. Sometimes I try to wait it out, sleeping much less than I should until it passes. Sometimes I ask the doctor for a mild sedative but that's a gamble. It can just as well make the nightmares worse, making it harder to wake up and blurring the lines between whats real and whats not.”

“Is it always the same?”

“No. Sometimes I am trapped. Sometimes somebody else is and I can't get to them, can't save them no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it is my father or Jus.....” Or you she thought, trailing of as she realized that she was probably not making much sense. She had never told him or anyone else aboard this ship except Tuvok about her time in a cardassian prison under Owen Paris command nor of the shuttle accident that had taken the life of two men she loved. If Chakotay had been curious enough to check her file that information was classified anyway.

“I'm sorry Kathryn. I don't mean to pry.” Chakotay said lamely as her mouth formed a firm, tight, line, wondering what in the heavens he had been thinking bringing up such a matter right now. All he had accomplished was forcing her to dwell on things her resent slumber had mercifully been free of. “I just want to help you. If I can....”

“You did help me” Kathryn cut him off abruptly, turning her gaze on him with an open honesty he hadn't seen in her in a very long time, perhaps even before the Borg and species 8472, free of any pretense or risk calculation. “Last night was...”

She was interrupted by her door chime, both of them looking up startled as if surprised by the reminder that there was a world outside of her quarters, beyond this conversation they for a moment had seemed destined to have.

Chakotay smiled ruefully, realizing that the fleeting moment had passed, as rare and allusive as any spacial phenomena they had ever encountered. That always seemed to be their pitfall.“I need to go check on this crew of ours. Can't leave them with the babysitter for too long. Tuvok might find himself outnumbered.”

“I highly doubt it, but I would love to know what's happening on the bridge, if you are going that way.”

The door chimed once more and Chakotay took that as his cue, surprised as she reached out to grab his hand in passing, her eyes catching his with a soft, hesitant gaze. “We'll talk late.”

Taking the words for the promise they held, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers briefly. “I'll be back soon.”

It had been years since someone had kissed her goodbye, so long ago that she had forgotten. The reassurance and tenderness of such an unexpected but simple act made her more shell shocked than any hostile phaser fire ever could. Security and warmth. It was more than she ever thought she would have out here. Her voice, when she spoke, held a slight tremble. “Enter.”

“Ms Torres.” Kathryn found herself as soon as the doors swished opened and revealed her uniform clad chief engineer, the Captain's mask and friendly but commanding tone of voice firmly in place by the time the younger woman came to stand in parade rest before her. It was a gesture that seemed oddly out of place seeing as she herself was sitting huddled under a blanket out of uniform. “At ease. How are things in engineering B'Elanna?”

“A bit too quiet for my taste Captain.” B'Elanna said as she relaxed somewhat , mentally shaking the feeling of being slightly out of place in her Captain's private quarters. It had been her own god damned idea to come and pay her respects. Anything else would just have seemed rude considering how many times the Captain had done the same for her when she had been injured. “But it does give us time to practice security drills under Tuvok's supervision. To everyone's delight.”

The last words were said with such open sarcasm and eye rolling that Kathryn had to bite her lip to keep from smiling. She didn't even dare look in Chakotay's direction. Of course Tuvok would take every chance to utilize his time in the command chair to drill everybody into a shape he found acceptable.

“Like I said before Captain. Perhaps I should make the rounds.” Chakotay stated in a neutral voice, a dimple appearing when he couldn't quite contain his mirth. “Want me to bring something back from the mess hall for dinner?”

The atmosphere was surprisingly warm and informal, prompting B'Elanna to relax further, emboldened by the fact that neither of the commanding officers seemed put of by her presence. ”Tom and I just had dinner. Tonight's specialty is vegetarian Terran lasagna with green tomato salsa. Leola rot free.”

Smiling broadly at that Kathryn raised a brow at her first officer, seeming to suggest that he just had his answer.

“Take out it is.” Chakotay chuckled and pointed a teasing finger in Kathryn's direction.”You stay put. I'll be back soon. Nice to see you B'Elanna, I'll drop by for a game of velocity soon, I promise.” With a pat on B'Elanna shoulder he was out the door.

Watching her friend leave the Captain's quarters B'Elanna once again felt slightly out of place, alone with the woman who commanded all of them.

“What can I do for you B'Elanna?” Kathryn asked after a moments silence, watching the woman fidget slightly where she stood as if debating something with herself. “Would you like something to drink? You will have to fetch it for yourself though, as you heard I have been ordered to stay put.”

“No thank you.” B'Elanna shock he head, sighing inwardly before she, true to her nature, forged on despite the small voice in the back of her head telling her she was walking right into another heap of targshit.

“I just wanted to drop by and see how you where. I guess..” B'Elanna stated lamely, very much reminded of why it was she never had all that many close female friends. She wasn't exactly good at small talk. Or tact. Or general pleasantries.

Suddenly realizing why her chief engineer seemed so uncomfortable Kathryn's face softened into a genuine smile. Out of habit she had simply assumed that B'Elanna had sought her out for some sort of command decision. The thought that she just wanted to be a friend hadn't entered her mind.

“I am glad you did” Kathryn motioned for the dark haired young woman to take a seat on her couch, noting the slight hesitation on her face before she sat down on the very edge of the sofa, folding her hands in her lap. “I could use a little good gossip. What's going on on this ship of mine?”

“If you want good gossip you have the wrong gal Captain” B'Elanna dared a small smile. “That's really Tom's department.”

“So it is” Kathryn chuckled, giving B'Elanna a conspiratorial look. “I don't know how he does it, and perhaps it is better that I don't.”

This time B'Elanna couldn't help but laugh.“I think you are right.”

For a moment they smiled at each other in understanding before the silence stretched out between the two again, neither sure of how to best keep up appearances and B'Elanna half wished that she had accepted something to drink, if for nothing else so she would have something to keep her hands occupied.  
It had not escaped her attention that despite the fact that she had clearly stated that she was there to inquire how her Captain was, the woman had not made any attempt to answer the question which told B'Elanna more than any words could. It must have been just as bad as the feeling of eerie foreboding she had felt creeping up her spine at the news had suggested.

B'Elanna had been awake waiting for Tom in his quarters the late night he had stumbled through the door after spending seven hours in surgery on top of several more planet side to rescue Captain Janeway. His face had been ashen and his eyes sunken in, lacking every bit of that usual boyish charm she had told herself was not one of the reason she had fallen for him in the first place. He had looked like hell and it had had very little to do with exhaustion. He hadn't wanted to talk about it any more than the Captain seemed interested in doing now. He had just stripped and showered, climbed into bed and held her tightly to him.

The next morning B'Elanna had made up her mind to go and see Chakotay to check on him. If the recent away mission had affected Tom that badly she had hardly dared imagine what it must have done to Chakotay. He never took well to those he cared about being hurt and keeping the Captain safe was a part of his job he took very seriously. The man had had no time to spare her though, busy as he was being the one in command, making sure they got as far away from Nazive space as possible and spending what little free time he had watching over Captain Janeway in sickbay. This evening was the first she had seen of him in days. He had looked much better than she had expected though. Content even. Happy. She couldn't quite put her finger on it and now was not the time to dwell on it B'Elanna thought, returning her attention to the Captain who was now looking at her with a pensive look on he face.

Kathryn knew that it lay on her to keep this conversation going but she found it incredibly hard to keep up the charade she usually so easily fell into, wondering how transparent she really was. When B'Elanna looked at her, did she she see the almighty Captain the crew needed or a broken woman, clinging to the hope that no-one noticed the crack in her amour?

“Is there much talk about my condition amongst the crew B'Elanna?” Kathryn asked and B'Elanna looked up at her sharply, surprised by the timidness in the usually stealthy voice. The Captain seemed suddenly very unlike the larger than life, fearless leader she and the rest of the crew knew her to be where she sat curled under a blanket, hair in a loose braid, a green knitted sweater hanging loosely on her small frame. Still, she looked far more recuperated than the talk amongst the lower ranks had suggested.

It took B'Elanna a moment to gather her thoughts well enough to form a reply, prompting Kathryn to try and deflect her own question.

“I am sorry, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. It is just that I have been wondering what everybody must be thinking, wondering, since I haven't exactly been making the rounds since I got back. I would have asked Chakotay but I think he has had far too much on his mind as it is.” Kathryn tried to explain. “Besides he has been spending most of his time here with me since I woke up.”

“That's quite alright Captain. I understand.” B'Elanna said, squelching the uncharacteristic whim to reach out and pat the older womans hand in reassurance. But she did understand. She herself suffered from the same thing she suspected her Captain did, a deeply rooted need to always seem strong and hard as flint. Too think that people might consider her week, hurt, unable to command her ship must be disconcerting. Hell B'Elanna couldn't even bring herself to accept a bandage if she thought somebody might be watching. In in reality nobody was watching her all that closely. Everybody on this ship watched the Captain.

“There has been some talk. There always are when anyone ends up in sickbay but Tuvok doesn't exactly give anybody time to hang around and gossip.” B'Elanna assured and then added. “Besides, as Harry put it; it is the Captain, no matter how bad she looks you can be sure that the other guy looks worse.”

Kathryn smiled sadly at that, both reassured by the unfailing faith in her and troubled by the lack of truth in that belief. She was quite certain it was entirely inappropriate and surely a very bad idea to divulge any information about how she truly felt to a member of her crew but sitting here talking drew home with no subtle point just how much Captain and how little Kathryn the years had forced her to become. Any possible friendships she had kept at arms length much the same way she had kept Chakotay from getting too close.

“To tell you the truth B'Elanna this time I have no idea what the other guy looked like. Chakotay carried me out of there, more or less unconscious.”

B'Elanna didn't know what to say to that, completely taken aback by the unexpected honesty. She was fueled with a sudden, very familiar anger at the cruelty forced upon someone she to her great surprise had come to care about but tampered it down. In the end she settled for honesty herself. “I am so sorry Captain, that you had to go through that. But I, and I am sure every soul on this ship, are so glad you are here, and very grateful towards Tom, Ayala and Chakotay for getting you out of there.”

“As am I” Kathryn whispered, then straightened up in her chair, her voice stronger. “I ow my life to this crew, to all of you, for keeping a cool head and finding a way to get me out of there.”

“We learned from the best.”B'Elanna stated earnestly and meaning every word of it. She was not the only one on this ship who had grown with the responsibility and trust Captain Janeway bestrode upon them.

“How long will it take before you are fully recovered?”B'Elanna asked, realizing only afters she said it that it might sound a little more like prying than she had intended and quickly forged on. “I mean I know I would get cabin fever in no time. When you feel up too it you should come join us at Sandrine's one night. Since there has been little else on our plate lately most of us hang out there for a while after our shift ends. ”

“The doctor hasn't given me an estimate on how long I will be out of commission so I guess I have to take it one day at a time. I am just grateful Chakotay convinced him to release me to my own quarters under his supervision. ”

“I can understand that” B'Elanna smiled, being all to familiar herself with the doctor's bedside manners or lack thereof. Besides, when it came to beside manner she was sure that there wasn't a woman with a pulse aboard this ship who wouldn't prefer being under Chakotay's tender care rather than the doctor's.

“I am sure Chakotay is taking very good care of you Captain. You will be up and about in no time.”

There wasn't even the slightest hint of suggestion in the young woman's voice and yet Kathryn felt like she must be blushing scarlet red under the respectful stare of her chief engineer. That was something she would have to reign in she realized, otherwise she was sure that every person aboard Voyageur would be able to read her like an open book. Right now she felt entirely too exposed as it was, see through and fragile like glass.

B'Elanna got the distinct feeling that she had just put her foot in her mouth and seeing the look that swept across Captain Janeway's face she had a sudden revelation as to why. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place; the easy, teasing atmosphere she hadn't quite been able to put her finger on when she walked in, the relaxed smile on Chakotay's face despite everything that had happened in the last few days. Suddenly there was not a doubt in her mind as to why.

Kathryn quickly scolded her features into a perfect mask of captain-like friendlessness, closing the door on any further inquires and putting some very much needed emotional distance between the two. “I hope so B'Elanna. And when I do I will be sure to come down to Sandrine's for a game of pool.”

Despite the Captain's light and amiable tone there was no misreading her intentions and B'Elanna was sure that if the woman could have done so without support she would have stood up, indicating that the conversation was over.

“I'll tell Tom he is in for a tough game.” B'Elanna said lightly, smiling in a way that she hoped would convey to the Captain that she didn't mean - never could mean - any harm. That she had nothing to fear from her.

For years the corridors and the mes shall had been filled with whispers about the command team. Especially after they had been stranded together on that planet they had named new earth. Not that either off them ever talked about it but that hadn't seemed to end the speculations. Someone caught them looking at each other over a console or saw the Captain laying her hand on her first officers chest, they were seen going to the holodeck together with a picnic basket in hand. Not that B'Elanna had ever taken part in the inane gossip, at first because she hadn't been particularly fond of the new leadership she had found herself under and later because there wasn't a doubt in her mind that her friend had fallen head over heals for their Captain. As far as she was concerned this was nobody's business but their own.

“I think I better go find Tom and Harry. I promised I would have a drink with them.” B'Elanna rose to excused herself. “Have good night's rest Captain.”

“I will.” Kathryn felt relived that B'Elanna had so graciously picked up on her cue to leave and at the same time dejected and guilty that she had once again hidden behind her rank in the face of a friendly hand offered to her. B'Elanna didn't seem to be put off by the abrupt end to the conversation though. If anything her smile seemed understanding and reassuring, the offer of friendship still open to her if she ever wanted it. “Thank you B'Elanna. You have a good evening as well.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Room service” Chakotay announced, tampering down the unease he had felt ever since he left as he stepped through the sliding doors, a covered tray in his hand and a half smile on his face. Making the rounds had been fast work, despite Tuvok's lengthy and excruciatingly detailed status report. Apparently the concept of 'too much information' had no bearing when it came to Vulcan logic.

“Didn't I tell you to stay put?” he asked as he noted that she had changed position, now sitting on the far end of her sofa, still wrapped in the blanket, apparently having been busy staring out at the unnamed stars passing by at steady warp.

“I got restless legs after a while” Kathryn said, raising a brow at him as if daring him to dispute the truth in her statement. In reality she had been too restless with nervous energy to stay still after B'Elanna had left, managing to pace the length of her quarters three times before exhaustion won out.

“Well, dinner, such as it is, is served” Chakotay stated as he placed the tray on the coffee table before her with more flourish than the dish probably deserved.

“You are quite domesticated for a former Marques terrorist leader.” Kathryn smiled at him teasingly as he leaned forward to capture her lips in a light kiss, chuckling at his look of mock indignation but sighing in contentment instead as he depended the kiss, as if reminding her he was not quite as domesticated as she thought.

“The food is getting cold” he pointed out after a long moment, drawing away from her reluctantly. She shrugged, indicating that it was all the same to her but she obediently accepted a plate in either case, settling in with her food in her lap as he fetched them each a glass of water.

“What did B'Elanna want?” he asked after he had told the computer to dim the lighting and settled down next to her on the sofa with his own overfull plate.

“She just wanted to see how I was, and invite me to come down to Sandrine's when I was feeling better.”

“That's a good idea.” Chakotay nodded, from the gentle, almost shy smile on Kathryn's face knowing all he had to about how much she had appreciated the gesture. For such an intelligent woman she was utterly clueless of how much her crew loved her - not just looked up to and respected her.

They ate in companionable silence, now and then making comments on what was surprisingly a half decent lasagna, Harry Kim's over-exuberance at getting so much practice in the command chair and Paris attempts to cajole Tuvok into approving a new holoprogram based on an English secluded bar in the 1920's prohibition era.

Having finished their meal, and glad to see that Kathryn had actually eaten half of it, Chakotay cleared the table and after a pleading look from her replicated a cup of coffee for her and a cup of green tea for himself.

He settled in the sofa once more, throwing an occasional glance in Kathryn's direction as she savored her coffee, oblivious to his watching eyes.

It was less than 24 hours since the world had turned on its axis and Chakotay still felt unsteady on his feet. It seemed surreal, unimaginable even, that they had arrived at this point. No preamble, no grand declarations of love, just a sudden shift of reality and her warm body close to his. It was all too good to be true.  
Stepping out of this semi blissful bubble they had created and making the rounds on the ship alone, doing all of the everyday, mundane tasks he always did, had done nothing to diminish the feeling of disbelief.

For all the things they had been through, all the times when they had come so close to crossing that fine line, how had she come to the conclusion to finally let go?  
Asking her would be like opening Pandora's box and he wasn't quite sure he would like what would come tumbling out. He didn't like this feeling of limbo either though, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to realize it was slipping through his fingers once more. Even more painful this time when he had a taste of it, held it in his hands.

“Why now?” The words were out in a rush before he could stop himself or completely think it through, her face turning towards him in surprise and confusion.

“Chakotay?”

“ I have loved you for years, and for most of that time I have held the hope that you felt the same. But...I resigned myself to the fact that nothing would ever come of it. That what we had as friends would have to be enough.”

The question had been inevitable, she realized. She had done far too good a job at keeping him just out of reach for him not to question her motives now. There were no easy answers however. No valentines hallmark cards that would be enough to explain.

“Have I told you that I was engaged once, many years before I met Mark?” Kathryn asked in a voice very soft and low, placing her half empty cup of coffee on the table.

Chakotay could only shake his head in silent reply, astounded by the revelation even though he didn't understand how it answered his question. The look on Kathryn's face was so soft and open but filled with a sorrow he had never seen in her before. It was captivating in its melancholy beauty.

“His name was Justin Tighe, a starfleet Ranger, bold and cocky as they come. I was twenty four years old and an Ensign under Owen Paris command when the Admiral and I were captured by the Cardassians on an away mission. We spent three days under interrogation in one of their compounds. Owen suffered much more than I did, being the senior officer and surely holding more valuable information but we were both in fairly bad shape by the time Justin and his team arrived and got us out.”

The parallels between what she had just told him and what they had been through just days ago was not lost on him and the feelings settling in his chest were equal parts dread and anger. He knew what the Caradassians did to their prisoners, he had seen it enough times to feel sick to his stomach at the mere thought of it. It put a whole other perspective on Kathryn's recent experiences, and perhaps the role he played in it, he thought wryly.

“I had never met anyone like him before. He was so filled with passion about everything that he did, so certain where he was going... so single minded in getting what he wanted.”

“And he wanted you.”

It was more a statement than a question and Kathryn smiled ruefully, turning her head to stare out at the stars streaking by as she gathered her thoughts enough to continue.

“A year later we were engaged to be married. Everything was perfect, more perfect than I ever thought it could be. Dad and Justin got on like a house on fire and it wasn't long before Justin was asked to come work as a pilot on one of father's project, one which he of course had roped me into as well. “

Chakotay had no problem envisioning it; a young, fair-skinned, beautiful Kathryn Janeway in starfleet uniform, her long hair flowing across her shoulders as she lifted her head from the calculations she had been working on, smiling up at her father and handsome husband to be. Perfection. Bliss. It made him jealous in a way very much unaccustomed to him, and he wasn't even sure of what it was exactly he was jealous of. They hadn't even known each other back then and he was jealous of a man who however it had ended, had no part of her life anymore. And yet, obviously the man still had a hold on her somehow. Perhaps it was the realization that this man had a piece of her, knew something about the puzzle that was Kathryn, that he hadn't been privy to.  
Her next words however, stopped him cold.

“For two years my father had been working on a new prototype ship, one that would change everything. The Terra Nova was innovative, sleek and fast. It turned on a penny and yet heavily armed. With the Cardassian's threatening our borders it was every Admirals wet dream and we got everything we asked to make it a reality. We worked day and night on the project. Everybody swore they had never seen anything quite like it. And just like the Titanic, we were so sure in our own superiority that we failed to see the iceberg coming right at us. We had crunched all the numbers, run all the simulations but making one fatal mistake.”

The chill running up Chakotay's spine at hearing the name of the ship, new earth, turned into liquid ice running through his veins as she continued, the end to this romantic fairytale all of a suddenly no longer the tale of young love turning sour he had assumed. It was something far darker and damaging.

“We took her out on a test run, one short trek out across the Tau Ceti system. At full warp the Terra Nova took every twist and turn like a dream, which of course was what we had designing her for, quick raids and a fast get away. When we reduced speed and made a slow sweep down over the surface of one of the moons the ship didn't respond like it was supposed to. Without speed our bright, shining star was suddenly clumsy and wobbly. And then there were the random, gravitational fluctuations on the moon. The heavy weaponry tipped the balance at every twist and turn and although Justin tried to compensate we were loosing control, every course correction creating a counter reaction.”

Kathryn drew a deep, shuddering breath, steeling herself against the words that would inevitably, irrevocably have to slip across her lips and make it more than just her darkest nightmare's once more. It would be a part of who Chakotay knew her to be, a piece of history made real again.

“We crashed into a polar icecap on Tau Ceti Prime at full speed. I have been told later that Justin died instantly in the crash but at the time I worked on autopilot, not even daring to think the thought. He had smashed his head open on one of the control panels and there was blood everywhere. I tried to stop it as best as I could but after a while it seemed to reduce on its own. His heart giving out I guess.”

Her voice wavering Chakotay moved for the first time in a long time, reaching out to grasp her hand in his and giving it a light squeeze, reminding her that he was there.

“Dad was trapped under one of the larger consuls, too heavy for me to lift. I had dislocated my shoulder and my hands were slipping because of all the blood on them, I just didn't have enough strength to move it, even a milliliter. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, telling me to get out of there in the few lucid moments he had. The hull had breached and the front compartment was filling with icy water.”

Knowing Kathryn, leaving was not an option and although Chakotay now had more than enough pieces of the puzzle to know exactly where this was headed regardless, he did not want to hear the end of it.

“I wish I would have told him I loved him before his head slipped under water but I was too panicked to think straight, to stop and realize it was the last time I would see him. Alarms were blearing everywhere, the water was so cold and we were losing emergency lighting.”

For a moment, Kathryn's quarters were completely silent, the ghost of a cold wind blowing thought the room and making them both shiver. Kathryn turned her head to look directly at Chakotay, revealing the last, shameful part of her story.

“I didn't leave. I stayed there holding my father's hand until my head went under as well. Somewhere I guess my mind had processed that Justin was gone and now my father was too. I wanted to die along with them, there wasn't even a small part of me that wanted to fight to stay alive. Everybody assumed that I was just too shocked and scared to help myself but the truth is that I welcomed the cold water raising over my head. I was just about to draw in a deep breath of it, knowing that it would end it all when I was pulled out of there.”

He wasn't certain there was anything to say. There were no words that could wipe away the horror she had just laid out before him but he found his voice anyway, rough with tears what weren't his too shed. “Kathryn, I am so sorry...”

She smiled, a small, sad smile at that, shaking her head at the state she had been able to put them both in.

“And now you are wondering how all of this has anything to do with you and me?”

“Kathryn I don't...” He didn't know how to put it, the question that had prompted this long revelation had been pushed to the back of his mind long ago and making it a priority now seemed almost sacrilegious. “You don't have to...”

“I do. It is important that you understand.” She brushed her thumb across the back of his hand, their hands still firmly clasped. “For a very long time I just stopped living, stopped caring. I realized, much later of course, that it was probably a very cruel thing to put my mother and Phoebe through. After all they were grieving too. But that's what I did.”

Chakotay nodded his understanding, not seeing the shame in it that Kathryn seemed to. On the other hand there were a wealth of things he regretted and felt ashamed about himself, things done in the name of grief, anger and powerlessness. It was always easier to be forgiving off other's weaknesses than your own.

“When I got better I made a promise to myself that I would never end up that way again. I would never let myself depend on anyone, love anyone so much that I threatened to self-destruct if they left me.”

“But Mark...”

“I have known Mark all my life. We grew up together, played tennis and swam together. He has always been there, in some way or another. He is a civilian man, a philosopher. Kind. Generous.”

“Safe.”

_Oh, he knew her so well._

“And I am not.”

She should have known he didn't need more than that to connect the dots, understand why, beyond the plain reasons concerning protocol and propriety, she had kept him at arms length for all these years. Despite the obvious attraction. Despite the deeper feelings they had developed with time.

“Despite where we are, despite everything that keeps testing this ship of ours I have never felt safer than I do with you.” Kathryn implored, turning towards him and forcing his eyes to connect with hers, to read the truth in them. Never had anything been so important to get right.

“But I love you, in a way I have never loved anyone before. And if you die I know a part of me will die with you... and for so long that held me back, knowing that it wouldn't be right to put myself in a position where I could become so vulnerable. I trapped us all out here and I owe it to every single member of this crew, and their loved ones, to get us home. Would I be able to do that if I lost you? Would I be able to go on? I just couldn't risk it.”

“What changed?” Chakotay's voice was cracked and hoarse, his dark brown eyes boring into hers.

“I did.”

Gingerly moving around, careful of her sore muscles Kathryn knelt in the soft cushions beside him, leaning against his side for balance as she reached a hand out to cup his cheek.

“Something finally clicked in my head. If I died down there, would you mourn me any less because we never became lovers? Would it make the loss easier to bare? If I lost you today, or tomorrow or the day after that, would the knowledge that I never let us be together be what comforted me or what brought me over the edge? Would I be able to live with the fact that I had denied us the one thing that would make us whole? Would I regret never kissing you? Never letting you know I loved you? It would tare me apart inside. In either case I would still have to get this crew home, burdened with another regret. Another thing I would never be able to change.”

He said nothing, just stared up at her, his face suddenly impossible to read and a cold hand gripped her heart. In her haste to make him understand , had she come across too presumptuous? She hadn't meant to make it sound like he had no choice in the matter, like this was her decision and hers alone. “Am I making any sense at all?”

“Kathryn Janeway....” Chakotay said in a soft, solemn voice as his arms encircled her, pulling her into his lap. “..you have never made more sense in your entire life.”

Laughter bubbled up inside of her in pure relief, spilling across her lips as the tension drained away, replaced by a warmth that seemed to expand in her chest as he joined her, chuckling lightly.

“I love you.”

It felt so good to say those words, to see the way his eyes lit up and sparkled as she did, his arms around her tightening, his smile heart stopping.

“And I love you. With everything that I am.”

She had never doubted it, she had known it - felt it with her - so surely that with time it had become a certainty she drew strength from every day. Still the words traveled through her like a plasma burst.

“I think I will ask you to repeat that every single day.”

“Fine by me as long as you reply in kind.” he smiled, finally taking advantage of the fact that she was sitting in his lap and brushed her lips with his. The first rush of excitement as their mouths moved against each other still amazed him, how everything so instantly faded away. Everything besides her warm breath mingling with his, her soft body pressing into his, the taste and feel of her.

It was a deep, toe curling kiss that made promises she was too drained and tired to follow up on and he felt it, drawing away with a last, lingering kiss and she sighed at the loss, leaning her forehead against his.

“You look completely exhausted.”

She really was, the emotional turmoil of the day had taken its toll on her, especially tonight's painful revelation. She felt cleansed though, finally freed from the darkness that had been pressing down on her for so long, binding her to choices not her own. But it had left her unbelievably tired. Her body was heavy and her mind foggy.

“Mmmm” she hummed, nuzzling closer still as he inhaled deeply, seeming to breath in the essence of her, savoring it. “I am.”

“In that case, we better get you into bed for the night. You have another physiotherapy session with the EMH tomorrow.”

The hum that emanated from her this time was far less enthusiastic and he smile gently, gathering her up and gracefully getting to his feet with her in his arms.

“Chakotay, put me down.” she protested, her forehead knotting in indignation as he shock his head at her request. “I need to keep practicing as much as I can. I don't want to keep beaming in and out of sickbay for every appointment and depend on you to get me around. I want to walk on my own two feet.”

“Kathryn..”

“The crew needs to see me up and about, see that I am healing. That I will be okay. It is my responsibility to...”

“Kathryn” he tried again, looking down at her face, the tired lines fading to give way to a stubborn determination he knew all too well. “Sweetheart...”

That got her attention, just as it had the night before, haltering the monologue she no doubt was formulating in her mind. Too bad he couldn't use that tactic on the bridge, it seemed to be the most effective means yet to pause the force of nature that was Captain Janeway.

“Tomorrow morning you can do all the walking you want, I won't try and stop you. I am sure you will be making the rounds, despite the good doctors advise, in no time. But tonight, you rest.”

And with that he stalked into the bedroom with her in his arms, not even the barest protest leaving her lips. She just shock her head in amusement and wound her arms around his neck, deciding that there was just a little bit Marque left in him after all. And that was quite alright with her.


	7. Chapter 7

The days passed by one very much like the other, and for every day the trek down to sickbay became a little easier, the distance she could walk increasig and her strength returning.

The doctor, reluctantly impressed my how well she was responding to the treatment, alternated between lecturing her not to be fooled by her progress and overdo it and praising her for having so dutifully abided to his advice to rest and eat well.

_If only he knew_ she thought every time he mentioned it, always keeping her features as blank as possible as he ran the bioscanner over her. Staying in bed had never been quite as compelling as it was with her first officer in it.  
As for eating, watching the way Chakotay's brown eyes darkened as she licked the soup of her spoon lent a whole new dimension to the task. She took great pleasure in teasing him, in discovering all the ways she could bring him slightly of balance with the touch of her hand, a calculated sway of her hips as she walked away-once she had gotten a hang on coordination it that was- a lingering gaze as he shrugged out of his uniform before bed.

As she had gotten better Chakotay returned to duty a little longer each day, taking his turn on the bridge and getting the paperwork over and done with before it had any chance to collect space-dust in her ready room. But he always checked in on her, shared a meal with her either in her quarters or in the mess hall.  
The evenings they spent together, reading, talking. She took long baths with him sitting on the edge of the tub, absentmindedly playing with a strand of her hair as he read a pad.

As promised she had dragged Chakotay with her to the holodeck one evening as soon as she felt able, spending a few hours in Sandrine's and rediscovering just how much she had missed the company of her crew. The sarcastic bite in B'Elanna's voice as she challenged Harry at darts and Harry's endearing inability to be as rude as she, Tom's dry and rap sense of humor, always lined with genuine care.  
When they had walked in Tom had come right up to her and given her a long hug, whispering in her ear that she had to excuse his forwardness but he was glad to have his Captain back. It had been all she could do to blink back the tears, telling him that the fact that she was back was in no small way because of him.  
She had found Ayala as well, thanking him for what he had done in helping to free her. The broad chested man had seemed almost embarrassed by the acknowledgment and murmuring something about just doing his duty. The glance exchanged between Chakotay and his former Marques comrade made her suspect that this was something already discussed between them.  
At the end of the evening she vowed to come down to the holodeck more often and spend some time with those under her command.

Today was Kathryn's 14th day back on the ship and by all accounts she was as good as back to perfect health. Her muscles no longer cramped and pulled after sitting still too long, her bones didn't ache in exhaustion and the red scars on her skin were barely visible anymore.  
This evening she traveled the corridors of her ship out of civilian clothes once more, relishing in the familiarity of her red and black starfleet uniform. Her armor. Her pride. She felt whole and completely like herself again, and yet she felt like so much more than she had done the last time she walked these halls in uniform. She was more than the Captain, more than the leader of a starship lost in the delta quadrant. She was Kathryn Janeway again, and in her quarters she was sure a handsome man was waiting for her. A handsome man she had waited two weeks to make love to.

To say that she could hardly wait was an understatement if ever there was one and right now she suspected that neither Q, a Borg cube or Tuvok for that matter would be enough to interfere with those plans.

*

Sure enough, when the doors swished open to let her into her quarters her eyes instantly landed on the back of her first officers dark head as he sat leaned over a pad at her dining room table, a cup of tea by his side.

“Want something to eat?” he asked without taring his eyes from the pad and Kathryn paused for a moment with her hand on her hips, half amused and half aghast by the domestic picture they made. She hadn't even slept with the man yet, when had they turned into her grandparents?

“Dinner can wait” Kathryn replied after a moment, allowing just a hint of suggestion to creep into her voice as she unzipped her uniform jacket, hips swaying as she moved towards him.

“I think we better replicate something for tonight. I was down in the mess hall talking to B'Elanna earlier and whatever it is Neelix is cocking tonight I could smell it two floors up.” Chakotay scrunched up his nose at the memory and then nodded towards the report in his hands. “B'Elanna's report on the duranium samples we picked up seems very promising though. With that quality I think it would be worth a little detour.”

“Well that's great.” Kathryn deadpanned, raising a brow at his apparently oblivious back. Granted she hadn't actually _told_ him that today would be the day the doctor cleared her for duty and gave her a clean bill of health, not wanting to raise his expectations and hers just to have the rug pulled out from under their feet. But one would think that he would hear the infliction in her voice.

Patience had never been Kathryn Janeway's strong suit.

“I had a meeting with the doctor this afternoon” she clarified as she walked the last few steps towards him, leaning forward and pressing herself against him, making sure he could feel her breast brushing his back as she whispered into his ear. “ I am now officially returned to duty.”

If it hadn't been for the slow burning tingle of expectation rippling throughout her body she would have giggled in satisfaction at his reaction. As it was, all she could do was let out a small whimper as Chakotay leaped out of his chair and in one swift motion grasped her waist and pulled her flush against him, his mouth covering hers.

Kissing was an art they had taken their time in perfecting over the last couple of weeks and her mouth instantly opened under his, her tongue brushing against his as he pressed against her, instantly hard, instantly wanting her.

“In a hurry Commander?”

Her voice was a low and throaty whisper against his mouth and it took every ounce of willpower he had but he manged to tare himself away from her lips and take a step back, looking at her. This was not meant to be hurried but savored.

He hadn't seen her in uniform since she came back, somehow he had almost forgotten what she looked like in it. He had become accustomed to another Kathryn recuperating in her quarters, dressed in soft sweaters and leggings or lose pants, hair in a lose braid across her back or flowing freely across her shoulders as she lay in his arms at night.

Seeing her standing before him now, in her right element, she was absolutely breathtaking. Her uniform jacket was unzipped, revealing the tight, blue shirt underneath that did everything to accentuate the curve of her breasts and narrow waist where the shirt was tucked into the waistband of her pants. Her hair was pulled back with a clip in her usual ponytail, her high cheekbones tinged with a healthy pink, her blue eyes sparkling and her kiss swollen lips forming a crocked, teasing smile.

Right now she was the epiphany of every daydream he had ever had of her. The times he had fantasied of following her into her ready room after a heated discussion and silencing her with kisses that eventually ended with her naked before him on her desk. The times she had stood leaned over a computer console and turned her head to look at him with that teasing half smile and a tilt of her hips that must have been intentional, and it had taken ever ounce of power he had not to walk right over and press himself against her back, letting her feel just what she did to him. The hundreds of times the sight of her walking onto the bridge in the morning was enough to make him forget his name as images of what he had dreamed about her last night made him weak in the knees.

Kathryn was sure that the way he was looking at her right now was unlike any other time his eyes had ever rested on her before. Like he was undressing her right there beside her dining room table. There were such heat, such intensity in his eyes that it made her shiver and she shrugged out of her jacket, turning on her heels and heading towards the bedroom. If she stayed roted where she was any longer they would end up together on the floor or up against a bulkhead and she be damned if she would let their first time be a quick, uncomfortable affair in her sharply lit living room.

“Coming?

There was quite possibly a double meaning to her words as she stalked away from him, her undershirt the next item to go as she pulled it over her head as she went, discarding it on the back of her lounger as she disappeared into the bedroom.

“Yes Ma'am” he affirmed hoarsely as he swiftly followed her while stripping out of his jacket and undershirt, toeing of his boots with less grace than he would like as he went.

He caught up with her just inside the door as she was pulling of her own high heeled boots and dragged her with him by the waist, sitting down on the edge of the bed with her straddling his lap.

“Smooth move Commander” she said huskily as he proceeded to slide his slightly roughened hands across her back, burying his face in the soft valley between her breasts. Perhaps a starfleet regulation bra wasn't the most exciting of underwear but he seemed to pay that little attention as he dragged the black straps down her shoulders to free her from the small scrap of fabric.

“You have seen nothing yet.” he promised against her skin, anchoring his hands to her hips now that they had completed the task of removing her bra, soft warm lips closing around a already taunt nipple as his hands held her down against his hardness.

“Oh....I believe you..”she breathed, her soft whisper turning into a moan at his exploration, her hips pressing against him with every flick of his tongue and he responded in kind, pushing up to meet her griding motion.

It was utter perfection, the way he kept meeting her circling hips, the rough fabric of their uniform pants creating an exquisite friction against her clit as they moved together. It was almost unbearably erotic, in a way she had never contemplated before, pressing into him and feeling the moisture pool between her legs, knowing there was nothing but a few layers of starfleet issue black fabric separating them. If it wasn't for that...oh God he was right there, one barrier away from slipping into her, filling her.

“Off” she demanded, her voice rough and throaty as she raised her hips enough to get her hands in between them, undoing his pants.

The only response he made was a strangled groan, at the loss of her pressing down on him or in response to her hand brushing against his sizable erection she didn't know but either way it went through her like a small earthquake.

Raking her fingernails across his bare chest and drawing another groan from him Kathryn pushed him back onto the bed and stood on somewhat shaky legs, pushing her pants and underwear down her legs.

Lying on the bed he was just able to make out the outline of her body where she stood illuminated by the light coming through the doorway behind her, pale creamy skin that begged to be touched and he refused to tare his eyes from her, blindly tugging at his pants and boxers until they landed in a heap beside the bed.

Arousal was drumming through him, urging him to reach for her and she came willingly, climbing back onto the bed and straddling his hips once more, her slender hands finding purchase against his chest as she leaned down, sweeping her tongue into his mouth.

He could feel her barely brushing against his erection and he breathed in sharply, his hands finding their place on her hips once more and steadying her as she repeated the motion, deliberately this time. They moaned in unison as he slid against her slick folds, coating himself in her arousal.

“Chakotay...” She breathed his name, her hips tilting forward instinctively and she could feel him trembling beneath her in restraint, his face riveted to hers as he held back, waiting for her. If she had been aroused before it was nothing like the fire cursing through right now, kneeling above him, feeling him right there at her entrance, knowing that all she had to do was sink down on him.

She couldn't hold of any longer and he read it in her face, in one fluent motion his hands guided her down on him and she rocked forward, throwing her head back as he pushed inside. Oh yes....

Moving against each other they instantly found a slow and deep rhythm that had her drawing in sharp breaths every time he slid home and there was no holding back the small whimpers escaping her each time he thrust up against her. He was hitting just the right spot every single time, sending small waves of electricity through her.

She was every fervid dream he had ever had, the way she felt as she rode him, the sight of her flushed face as she closed her eyes and braced herself against his chest. And the small sounds she was making... It was driving him to distraction, a familiar heat centering in his groan and he felt his control slipping.  
Not yet. He wasn't ready for their first time like this to be over.

“Kathryn, wait.” he groaned, using his hands on her hips to still her movements and she looked down on him, her mouth slightly open, her eyes dark with arousal. “Spirits, I could come just looking at you. I need a moment. Please.”

“I can do that..” she whisper hoarsely despite the heat rippling through her sex at the feel of him nestled so deeply inside of her, her breath hitching as she could feel him twitching inside of her in response - seeming to prove his statement. Never had a man told her he could come just at the sight of her and if they had she never would have believed them but what she saw in Chakotay's eyes erased any doubt she might have had.

Obliging him she raised her hips slightly, letting him slide halfway out of her as she leaned over him, her breasts now level with his mouth and he instantly accepted her offering, straining his neck to capture a aching nipple in his mouth and she sighed at the sensation.

Giving both her breasts equal attention he nibble and licked at her, his hands leaving her hips to roam over her body. Firm, strong hands smoothed down her back and across her buttocks and she reveled in his attention, whimpering and shivering as he squeezed her ass. _Oh God what he did to her..._

His hand slid down her rear and between her thighs, brushing against the place where they were joined just as he bit down on one taunt nipple and she contracted around him with a low moan.

They started moving in unison, breaths coming in short gasps and drawn out moans as they increased the pace, her hips shifting to take him deeper with each thrust and his hands clutching her ass-cheeks as he slammed her down against him. _Harder. Deeper_.

“Kathryn.” he warned as he felt the pleasure building but this time she didn't pause. Biting her lip and throwing her head back she gave them both up to the sensations, moving down on him in two more strong swirls of her hips as the wave of pleasure swept her away.

He followed her with a loud groan, pulling her down on him hard and then holding her to him as he emptied himself inside of her.

Completely spent Kathryn collapsed against his chest, struggling to regain her breathing.“Oh....I may never move again.”

“Kathryn.....” he panted, still twitching with aftershocks “... you're straddling me, naked, with me still inside of you. As far as I am concerned, never moving is just fine. Perfect in fact.”

She couldn't help but chuckle at that, shivering at the sensation it caused with him still buried inside of her and she raised her head enough to capture Chakotay's lips in a lazy kiss. “Well maybe not never but I definitely intend to fall asleep right here.”

“That's why you are the Captain. You make the tough decisions” Chakotay conceded teasingly, reaching out and finding the hem of Kathryn's comforter, dragging it over their cooling bodies.


	8. Chapter 8

It was several hours later when they roused from sleep, dragged out of their slumber by an insistent chirping from her living room.

“What is that?” Kathryn murmured sleepily, dragging her hand across her face as she turned in his embrace.

Chakotay listened for a moment, trying to place the sound as he absentmindedly smoothed his fingers across her bare back.

“That.....” he sighed as his mind finally caught up“...is my com-badge.”

Smiling at her groan of disapproval as he got out from under the covers and let a gush of cool air into their warm cocoon he made his way across the heap of clothing they had left where they landed a few hours ago and rummaged around until he found his jacket with his com-badge still attached to it.

“Chakotay here.”

“Sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night Commander..” Harry Kim's apologetic and slightly hesitant voice came through loud and clear and Chakotay hung his head in defeat with a rueful smile. So much for staying right where they were. “...but I am picking up some strange readings that I think you should take a look at.”

“On my way. Chakotay out.”

“What?” Kathryn asked, raised on her elbows and looking at him expectantly as he reentered the bedroom now clothed. He looked devilishly handsome in uniform as always, although his hair looked somewhat mussed. She would rather have had him still naked next to her.

Her long hair had escaped its clip and her lips were slightly swollen, the comforter barely covering her naked chest and he cursed Harry Kim and every possible spacial anomaly in the quadrant for kicking him out of bed.

“I am needed on the bridge. Some strange readings Harry can't make sense of” Chakotay explained, on an impulse reaching his hand out and caressing her check before he bent down and gave her a brief but affectionate kiss on the lips.

“Want me to come along?” Kathryn asked as he drew away.

“I am sure I won't be long. You stay in bed, keep it warm until I get back.”

She nodded her contestant as he turned to leave, stretching her body underneath the covers and enjoying the way her muscles strained just a tad in new places, reminding her of their previous activities. It was enough to keep her mind busy reminiscing for a few moments. If he hurried back there was oh so many things she wanted to do to him. She soon grew restless though, her thoughts wandering to the myriad of possibilities as to what was going on on the bridge. Perhaps she should go.

Despite her best intentions to stay in bed and wait for her first officer to come and join her again she found herself getting up and shrugging on her slightly wrinkled uniform.

She was just about to head out the door when there was a flash a light, so bright that it seemed to absorb everything around it, expanding in a fraction of a second into a white wave of pure energy. Soon there was nothing else and her mind went blank, erasing every thought, every emotion inside of her.

*

_Captain Janeway's personal log stardate 51255.27_

_Despite working around the clock, exhausting every resource available to us, we are still no closer to understanding the subspace anomaly we encountered three days ago, or the surge of radiation that followed._  
_It is nothing like we have ever seen before but it's effects are devastating and as far as we can tell, irreversible._  
_The high speed neutron wave seem to do to human brain tissue the equivalent of what we have known kinoplasmic radiation to do to computer systems - especially the EMH's memory circuits. It wipes the memory engrams clean, leaving no recollection of the last four weeks for any of us._

_My first memory is standing in my quarters in the middle of the night, apparently dressed to head for the bridge but not getting there before the wave hit. I wonder; if I had made it, if I would have found a way to stop it. Pointless thoughts, I know. There is always a 'what if', always the possibility for another outcome if I had just moved a little faster, made another decision, plotted a course correction. If I let it guide me I will never be able to make a decision without second guessing myself._

_As it is we have no choice but to accept what we have lost, approximately 29 days. What we do have are computer logs and of course the doctors testimony. It, somehow, will have to be enough._

_The crew, as always, is taking this in stride, despite the uneasiness of suddenly losing a month of your life. Most seem to rely on their private logs and the official reports in the data banks to piece together enough to fill in the blanks and feel comfortable with that._  
_For some off us it has been much harder, to be honest I am not sure I will ever feel comfortable not remembering what, according to the date accumulated, happened to me during this time._

_The doctor has been very helpful, spending several hours with both me and Commander Chakotay, going over the events he is now the sole witness to. It is deeply unsettling to to know that I was kidnapped, tortured by a race we have never encountered before, and hopefully never will meet again, and all I have to show for it is a long list of injuries in my medical journal._

_And I know that is just the tip of the iceberg. Those medical notes, the official log's objective construction of the chain of events tell me nothing about how it felt to almost be tortured to death, how Chakotay and the crew must have struggled to save me. It is a void of dark emotions I am left to let my own imagination fill._

_Tuvok has offered to help me meditate and although we have made a couple of attempts there seem to be nothing to recover. I know Chakotay has tried contacting his animal guide with the same hopes of remembering something but to no avail._

_The Commander has been kind enough to let me review the only personal log entry he made since my return and although it offered a little more insight than his official report it mostly spoke of his hatred towards the aliens who took me, and his feelings of guilt for letting me suffer before they found me._  
_It paints a bleak picture of how both he and I must have struggled to reconcile with the events. Perhaps we should be grateful that the experience is forever lost to us._

_I had made only one log entry since I returned to the ship, short and lacking the detail I usually put into my own logs but so far it is the one thing that has had held me up, the one thing that have held any sense of light in the midst of this horrid story. I don't understand how or why but somehow I seemed to have found something good in what I went through. My voice, when I listen to it, is warm and lacking any of the grimness I would have expected. I speak of physiotherapy with the doctor, about making great progress and hoping to be back to full health in just a few days. I interrupt myself, giggling out loud right there in the middle of me recitation, an open and carefree laugh that doesn't even sound like the me I know, and I say that I can hardly wait. I end the log with saying that I am meeting Chakotay for dinner, hoping tonight's offering will be worth the trek down to the mess hall. If not, perhaps I can convince Chakotay to cock for me instead._  
_I wish I knew how I came to cope so well with it all, I could use that strength now to face the darkness I only have glimpses of._

_End log._


End file.
